Animals Jokes

When Germans combine words, we get things like "flutter mouse" and "river horse." When the English do it, we get "jorts."

What if you're a Gift Horse Dentist?

[show about dog training] Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with Me: where can i get one of those

The date had been magic. We moved to her couch & kissed. That's when horror struck as my eyes locked on the Duck Dynasty DVDs on her shelf.

Teach a man to fish & you have fed him for a lifetime. Teach your kid to make a good martini & you won't give a crap about fish or men.

It's wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices. I've chosen a goat.

WIFE: You know, you're my best friend! Am I your best friend? ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

Can't believe it's the Chinese New Year. I'm still writing Rabbit on all of my checks.

*punches a fish* that's for tsunamis

Me: Was this product tested on animals? Clerk: Yes. Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!! Clerk: Sir, that's a dog leash.

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant [table over] Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up* Monkey 2: not worth it man

It's so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn't just a free aerial tour of the city.

My pistol only holds 9 bullets, so when I lose my shit I only get to kill 9 people or one cat.

[At restaurant] I'm so hungry I could eat a horse! But I'm on a diet so... [To waiter] Do you have diet horse?

How to tell if your cat is a dog: 1) it barks 2) it doesn't hate you 3) someone once said aw cute dog 4) it's like a horse but slower

In a car crash a dog would rescue you. However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

spot whats sandpaper like? dog: ruff whats the long grass on a golf course called? d: ruff whats the job market like? d: steadily improving

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that's a cat

Daddy Bear -"Someones been sleeping in my bed." Mummy Bear -"Wouldn't be the first time." Daddy Bear -"It's been 3 years Sue, let it go."

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

LION: Lions don't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep. SHEEP: Shaun thinks your mane looks ridiculous. LION: *upset* Shaun said that?

Only people who've walked into a sliding glass door can laugh when a bird crashes into a window. Everyone else who does it is a racist.

My dog's frightened to walk across shiny floors and won't eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he'd be a flop out in nature.