Animals Jokes

[2nd time at girls house] "where's your dog?" Oh he isn't mine. I was dog sitting [makes text alert sound w mouth] "Its work. I gotta go"

which part of the centaur carries the centaur babies is it the lady torso or the horse torso and why can't I stop thinking about this

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that's why it's so tragically hard to meet

"It's okay, man. There are a lot of fish in the sea." -Weird way to comfort someone whose nephew has just died.

My daughter put a horse's head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can't sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

[Airport terminal] *waits at baggage claim area* *an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel* *I check the tag to make sure it's mine*

It's weird when I'm sitting on the couch and my cat walks by and looks at me but keeps walking cause he's living his own life.

Gift horse "My gums are bleeding." Dentist "Well this is a professional dilemma..."

I just ordered a party hat for a cat over the Internet while flying on a plane at 35,000 feet. We should really stop inventing stuff.

Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?

wife: "you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings" me: [covering penguin's ears] "he can hear you linda"

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don't know how you do it, honey. RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

"Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus" is on, followed by "Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus". Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

[At vet] Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells. Vet: What have you been feeding him? Me: Egg shells.

If you want your dog to take a pill: 1. Get a piece of cheese 2. Eat the cheese for energy 3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

Just filled a bird bath with ranch dressing so my feathered friends have something to dip worms in. Pay it forward, everybody.

The cat's in the cradle....OMG. It ate the baby.

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don't know if it's a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

"want to go grab some dinner?" *lights cat on fire* sorry I can't my cats on fire

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, "Meow meow meow meow meow meow." Dunno, think it's a little pretentious.

it's cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like "just as i suspected guys. it's shit."

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone... it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.