Animals Jokes

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right? *Trips over the cat*

good artists copy ,, great artists steal i say to myself as i shove several marley and me dvds into my pants. im a dog lover wat can i say

Getting my cat to "LOL" is a lot harder than it looks on the internet.

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

Picture a fish household with an upside-down bowl for their tiny human

*blood everywhere* "What kind of ANIMAL would DO this?" Well, that's a gazelle Jeff, so probably a lion *to other ranger* Jeff's new here

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You'll die, but the bear will suffer too.

Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, "Hey man where's that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!"

Jaws (2015): "(cell phone) Hi Coast Guard, yeah a shark is banging my boat oh you're on your way great thanks"

What's your body type? Mine is "giant gummy bear."

DAD: Your mother and I love you very much, and I'm not sure how to tell you this, but... you're adopted. DOG: OMG THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE

Has anybody ever thought of buying a pig a plane ticket?

Me: What happened to all the bourbon? Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken. Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

Cow with a twitch, beef jerky.

Break into your neighbor's house every night but don't take anything just put a cape on their dog

I don't really care who came first, the chicken or the egg. I'm just glad somebody decided both could be broken and fried.

[penguin waddles into computer repair store] "Hi yes my laptop is frozen" ... Computer repair guy - "how did you get to Milwaukee"

she had the eyes of an angel, the squawk of a bird, the wingspan of an albatross, the beak of an albatross i think this girl is an albatross

[creating the armadillo] GOD: I want a half turtle, ANGEL: Okay G: Half pig, A: Okay, I'm on it- G: Half anteater A: ...Are u drunk G: Very

*buying a dog* Is this a good dog? "Oh yeah, very good dog." Do any tricks? "No, I'm clean, selling dogs now."

Me: That does it! [bangs on upstairs neighbor's door] [Elephant on a pogo stick answers] Sup? Am I being too loud?

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

dog: i saw u out there me: what? dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog me: i was just dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?