Animals Jokes

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

I just borrowed $10,000 from my mom to place a bet at a casino here in Vegas. Tiger Woods better win the Super Bowl this year.

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I'll marry 12 dogs. I'm a dog mormon now.

Today is "bring your dog to work day". I thought it was "bring your dawg to work day". So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

sorry but if your dog is small enough to be carried away by a falcon then it shouldn't be called a dog

"I don't believe in hyperbole," she said while consuming an entire horse.

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

I'm not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat's hair grows back.

That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow...

A is for apple B is for bear C is for candy D is for your mom

"how about an animal that looks like a cross between a horse and a barcode" - creator of zebras

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

*phone rings* Wife - "Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me - *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle* Wife - "....""

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth. It was cute with Skittles. Then she switched to dog food.

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

A bird in the hand is never as fun as a hand in the bush.

"Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship" *me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

Guinea pigs aren't real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

When I'm dead, I'm going to haunt offices and say, "OooOoo... why are you using your mouse?... hit Control-C... you're taking forever..."

I'm literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

"woof woof" -my neighbor's dog telling me his views on abortion lol nigga idk if i can agree on this one

TIN MAN: I want a heart COWARDLY LION: And I want courage ZOMBIE: Braaaaains ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell'd Ray go?

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight ME: Ok I'll consider it VET: Your dog should lose some weight ME: Hey bud, you're going on a diet!

[interview at a clothing store] be cool, don't let them know you're a dog "so what color is this dress?" oh you gotta be kidding me