Animals Jokes

[god making cheetahs] Let's just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

I confuse "playing dead" with "playing dumb" so if I ever encounter a bear I'll probably be like "Listen, I don't even know how I got here."

Happy imagery of the day: A mouse dressed as a pirate sits on your shoulder while you work and pretends to steer you holding a potato-chip.

Bear: *lowers sunglasses. Is it *beary* serious? Cops:...Ok that's funny but but you mauled a child so yes. You have to go back to the zoo.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you're murdered your chalk outline won't just be the same old boring shit.

Everyone in horror movies: *loud scream* It was probably just the wind *a ghost flies across room* Just the wind *dog gets cut in half* Wind

[vet office] Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up. *doctor walks out* "Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we- I'll take my cat elsewhere

I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn't bark at. That person should become president.

I hope I never have to produce an alibi...cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

BUNNIES: I love hopping! SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn't we get home and check on our delicious babies?

Can any of you read your Chinese food bill? Looks like they charged me for a chicken lo-mein, a python, Africa, and a diet Coke.

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat's tail.

If by "fetching" you mean "looks like I was dragged from the woods by a dog" then yes I look fetching.

DATE: dessert? MY BRAIN: im full MY STOMACH: i want food DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER

I just saw a picture of a duck posing and doing a dumbwhitegirlface.

[Troy in the olden times] "WTF is that?" A wooden horse "It's not full of soldiers is it?" [from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it's basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

"David you're late again!" "Sorry boss.." [cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer] "...traffic"

the early bird gets the worm but so does the bird that gets outta bed around 1pm because there are plenty of worms out there believe me

[my laboratory] ME: I'VE DONE IT! MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT'S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to 'exercise' or 'exorcise'? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I'm allowed to raise my cat however I want.

Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon. Wife: You ate Beggin' Strips. *me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon.

Some say I've "gone off the rails," or "left the reservation," or "screwed the pooch," or "mixed my metaphors," or "launched the hot dog"

ME: Where are the posters? WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! [In other room] *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*