Animals Jokes

My friend's crazy, he left a bunch of chocolate balls on the floor in his cat's litter box, they're not that good.

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

[pet shop] ME: I'm looking for a dog that can talk OWNER: Try this one ME: [to dog] Can you talk? DOG: No ME: My search continues

Unicorns have one horn and everyone says "ooh they're so magical" Cow's have 2 horns & no one cares even though they taste so much better

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

If I say "last Star Wars" and u say "Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It's a prequel!" I'm going to hit u with a fish tank.

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

Have I ever steered you wrong? *flashback to you at zoo in bear suit Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my dad and my dog. The dog gets it.

He: That's a handsome dog. What's his name? She: Roger He: Does he bite? She: No He: How does he eat then?

boys need to work on keeping their Instagram up to date with good pics. I can't show my mom some pic of a fish you caught 120 weeks ago

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it's been there for years & set it free.

The only lyrics I can make out in the song "Informer" are "Hey farrrrmer...something....a leaky boom boom cow". Not 100% sure though.

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write? Me: Wanna buy my book? Them: No. Me: That's why I own a hot dog stand.

If I was a Doctor, my prescription pad would just read: "Smoke 2 joints, eat ALL the chicken"

[First date] Her: I'm really glad you asked me out yesterday in the park Me: *looking under table* you didn't bring your dog?

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

a lion stalks a fawn a man steps out from behind tree I'm Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

Me: My computer broke IT guy: What have you tried so far? Me: Everything IT guy: Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

Top 4 horrified face expressions: 4. dragged away by crocodile 3. stabbed by serial killer 2. mauled by bear 1. no toilet paper

'I like mouse but I couldn't eat a whole one' - Our sodding cat

Friend celebrated her birthday today by falling off an elephant in Thailand, if you thought I'm the weird one in my circle.

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

When my dogs crawl into bed with me, I like to pretend it's because they love me and not because I am sleeping in their dog bed on the floor