Animals Jokes

Boss: Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Me: Not cool, dude. Jan's just pregnant. Him:.. Me: Jan if you report this I got your back.

I'm an early bird and a night owl, so I'm basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so... I choose sleep.

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend. Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

I remember, before kids, saying funny things like, "my kids won't be watching TV and they most certainly won't be eating chicken nuggets!"

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died? Me: Damnit Facebook not now. FB: Sorry... FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale PATIENT: Ok DR DOG: I'll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I'm in there

A game of cat and mouse, but it's just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" said mommy bear. "Who hasn't" muttered daddy bear. "What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!"

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone's kid, and a headache

Her: OMG! You didn't feed my cat while I was away? Me: Do you remember that time you didn't harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we're even.

ME: Do we have Bacon Bits? WIFE: Fridge. Why? ME: *filling pockets* No reason *dog park* PERSON: Sorry. He's normally behaved ME: No prob

"No, you hang up" No, you hang up. "No, you hang up" No, you hang up. "No you hang up" *slams phone* Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

[making flamingos] God: bird. Adam: got it. G: but it stand still a lot. A: ok.. G: on one leg. A: how high are you? G: make it pink.

My uncle Aaron is sort of the black sheep of the family because his skin is black & everybody else's is white.

These cat babies are straight up gangsta. I'm going to name them all after Friends characters. The one I hate will be Ross.

Barista won't write "Air Bud was bullshit" on my coffee cup. We've been arguing for 20 minutes. HE'S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

I've learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.

A bird just got trapped in our wind chimes and made the next Bon Iver record.

I'm glad Lassie wasnt my dog. I just want to watch TV, I don't want to be constantly rescuing people.

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm.. Me: [recreating "You Better Shape Up Scene" from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You're home early.

When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans" all I hear is "there's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."