Animals Jokes

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don't just want me to cut it off?

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I'm not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

Sign at the hotel pool says "No horse play." Shit. What am I going to do with this production of Equus?

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, "Duck". His mother slaps him.

My son just handed me a duck & a pig from his puzzle & smiled as if that made us "even" for all the food/clothing I've given him.

pet owner's tip: glue the very tip of your cat's tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

[holding my aunts stupid idiot baby] what sound does a cow make "moo!" good now a dog "woof woof!" 2 for 2. now...WHERES THAT MISSING PLANE

DOG 911: What's your emer- DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN'T FIND IT DOG 911: He still holding it? DOG: YES! HOW'D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - a dog

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys. I don't have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don't look weird.

YOU: I murdered someone. YOUR DOG: I'm totally cool with that. I love you. ****************** YOU: I murdered someone. YOUR CAT: Me too.

"You can't teach a dog new tricks." - bad dog trainer

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn't understand quite so well.

[dog park] Go get it, boy! *dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace* Ugh, you're the worst golden retriever ever

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

[God creating bats] GOD: I wonder what a bird would look like if it was a demon?

There is a woman on this plane going on vacation with a cat in a carrier. Because cats love surprises, travel, and unfamiliar surroundings.

Loan shark: If you're late my guys will ... Me: Tell my gf my phone password? LS: Break every bone in your body M: Oh. Yeah that's fine

*on death bed* priest: any regrets my child? *montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn't try to ride it* me: uhhhhh

"You are cute like a dog, Momma!" My daughter is very sweet but we must work on her ability to compliment.

Once got sent to bird prison by confused air marshals

Amy Winehouse is getting Botox injections? Really? Isn't that a bit like spraying Febreze on a pile of dog crap?

[Doctor's Office] Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease. "Is it bad, doc?" Yes, but bear in mind- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Texting while driving: Bad. Wrestling a shark while driving: STILL LEGAL! WOOHOOO!!!

It's like Maury doesn't even care who the real father of my kitten is.