Animals Jokes

*robs neighbor's chicken coop* *serves poached eggs*

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

When talking to your kids about the "birds and the bees", don't forget the part about how the bird can't feel shit when he wears a condom.

"I don't understand swimming. You don't see fish going for a walk."

[friend being eaten by a bear] *screaming violently* Me: Stay calm! Don't move so much! I'm trying to take a picture for snapchat!

If you are unsure whether your kitten is male or female try this: - Tickle it - If HE laughs it's a male - If SHE laughs it's a female

thought I was watching Twilight for 45 min then I realized I was in an alley watching a dog bark at a dead cat next to some cardboard.

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

"They're meh." --Tony the Tiger, off his Paxil for a few days

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it's full of skeletons now

Stop saying "There's plenty of fish in the sea." I'm sick of fish seducing all our human women!

Give a man a fish and he will think, "What a creepy gift." Teach a man to fish and he will think, "My god, I have never known such boredom"

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in! GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I'm good.

Ghost cat: how'd you die? Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down GC: i got hit by a car GD: I know GC: ilu

My mf kid poured a bag of Cheerios crumbs in my bed like she saw the horse head in godfather and thought I can beat that

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

I'm not interested in your cat unless it's on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

Just asked a girl if she was from Gotham. She said, "No, why?" I said b/c you look like The Penguin.

[first date] HER: I'm a really big cat person ME: *leans in really close* You don't look anything like a cat

[press session regarding increase in shark bites] Reporter: Are there more attacks in one area? Scientist: [lips against mic] In the water

What's your spirit animal? "An eagle. They're so majestic." MEANWHILE Horse: hey eagle, what's your spirit human Eagle: this guy Dave

[creation] GOD: So how do you like the flying? PENGUIN: Meh it's no big deal GOD: Oh is that right

Try talking to a dog without asking it a question. Go ahead, I dare you