Animals Jokes

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he's boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick "I'm sorry, I really don't know what a wingman is supposed to do."

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame *stares off into distance* We're gonna need a bigger goat

[at a farm] Dairy cow: Oooh that tickles Sheep: Look I got a new "hairdo" Chicken: Cool I didn't want to know any of my children anyway

DOG 911: What's ur emer- DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON DOG 911: So DOG: HE'S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN'T FIND THEM DOG 911: OMG DOG: OMG

_____________/\__________\o/_____ Swim little man swim! Swim away from the shark! You have to save yourself!

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don't know if they're showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

Phone rang for the 1st time in 4 months. My reaction was similar to finding a dead mouse on my porch. I circled it & poked it with a stick.

*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume* That's a pretty dubious clam

[tour of zoo] kid: "i think its a elephant" me: "are you giving the tour" kid: me: "anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing"

If State Farm were such a good neighbor they'd come over and pick up all the dog shit in my yard.

If Sesame Street really cared about children they'd realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.

Stranger:So,you're a parent? Me: Yes,proud dad of a 5yo w/ special needs S:cool, I'm sort of a parent too, 2 dogs and a cat Me:.... Nope

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She's aaall over me it's crazy. Eel: For the last time barnacles don't count as girlfriends

Things I haven't seen in a while: 1) the 2yo I'm babysitting today 2) a man 3) my waist-line 4) my imaginary goat, Bill 5) my sanity

is a cat supposed to shit more than i shit? asking for a cat that shits more than i shit.

If a shark is ever attacking me I'm gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face?" The horse sues him for discrimination and wins $4.3 million and the bar.

Give a man a fish and chances are you won't be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.

I came in like a lion and went out like a kitten.