Animals Jokes

Conversations with my pets: Me: Please could you Dog: OF COURSE! Me: I haven't said what it Dog: I LOVE YOU! Me: Please could you Cat: No.

I'm not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

*sees Deer Crossing sign* *further down the road sees deer nailed to crucifix* "Oh wow, they weren't lying"

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter. Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

11yo: Daddy, why can't we get a dog? Me: I like our house the way it is. 11: What, small? Me: Go to your drawer.

[1st date] Me: I've got crabs [date leaves] [back home looking at my fish tank] "It's all right guys, one day I'll find one who'll like you"

Anyone who's voice doesn't jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living

Me: Sit. Dog: (confused dog look) Me: Stay! Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on peoples heads. 7yo: why do you need to be a bird? my 7yo is ready for twitter.

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you? - My toddler, wooing the dog

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

Punctuality is important. It's the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he's already done it.

If kittens tasted like pizza I would totally be a cat person.

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

*Sees dead cat on the road. Walk it off buddy, you got 8 more.

I really don't know how to put this but I think I am allergic either to peanut butter or dog saliva.

THERAPIST: Ever had a job? ME: I once worked at a zoo T: Great! & what did you take from that? ME: Definitely not a penguin T: What M: What

Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It's not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.

Dora the explorers parents don't give any kind of shit about Dora. She's 7 and she's flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.