Animals Jokes

Can't wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post "what is this, 2016?" Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

I asked a friend if he'd eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked "From whose dog?" I'm having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

The best thing about non-sequiturs is the bacon flavored wheelbarrow and my cat thinks he's Anderson Cooper's boyfriend.

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

I just had an AMAZING salad at McDonalds. The toppings I chose were 4 big macs & 10 chicken mc nuggets with 9 sweet & sour packs as dressing

[hunting] DAD: dont scare him ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute DEER: holy shit DAD: what did i just say

Grim Reaper: I'm here for the sole! Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I... can I say bye to my family? Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

'...um....' - the first cow ever milked

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I've seen him do some questionable shit. Don't ask.

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

The ONE time I actually want to say "duck", damn you autocorrect! "Sorry again! I'd love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond"

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don't want to eat dumplings.

Dogs can lick their balls and no one bats an eye lid but when I do it you're all like get the hell away from my dog?

I honestly have no idea how I stopped petting the first dog I ever pet.

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, "EARTHQUAKE!" Sadly, like many, she's not prepared

"Behold, a 3 headed cat" "um, its just 3 cats taped together" "Behold, a 12 legg...*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat."

I pan fried chicken tonight. On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to... you know, "happen" to them.

Hi, I spend 3 minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog, then I go to work and people take me seriously as an adult.

At least dogs look at you when you're talking with them as if to say, hell yeah I'd talk to you, but I'm a dog.

WIFE: I can't take it anymore. Your incorrect use of idioms is tearing us apart! ME [taking her hand]: Cat got your tongue?

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn't matter if its a dog, it's still called a cat scan"