Animals Jokes

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it's yours.

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to "sweep the leg". They've all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

Smelling one of my farts has to kill at least 10 million brain cells. My dog doesn't even know how to bark anymore.

Son, that bear is more afraid of you than you are of ... oh wow, that bear is being really brave right now.

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me cat: mother's lips taste perpetually of bacon

"Hello, 911" Hi it's Mickey my dog is hurt bad "Is it Goofy or Pluto?" I don't see how- "Goofy or Pluto?" Pluto "Call a vet" *hangs up*

Nana's house is getting real bad, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.

"My eyes are down there!" - Large-breasted blind woman pointing to her service dog.

11: Dad, what's your spirit animal? Mine's a tiger. Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella? 11: ...

Her: So what do you do? Him: I'm a pickup artist. Her: Pig! [leaves] Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

My boyfriend said he had a Catwoman fantasy. I must have misunderstood because we both wore leather cat suits to bed last night. Awkward.

"Please. Make yourself at home." *Brings cat and litter box inside* *Spreads cat poop on ground next to litter box*

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

I can never tell if a mother duck is being dutifully followed by her ducklings or chased by a gang of young duck criminals.

WIFE: you can't just deep-fry everything ME: what do you mean? WIFE: I mean put down the cat

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.

*gently carrying a burrito in my mouth like a mother cat with her kitten*

Those Weren't Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

I accidentally shot my girlfriend on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.

Boss: Are you high? Me: [trying to photocopy a dog] are you a cop?

They say there's no such thing as a free lunch, but I'm at Applebee's & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.