Animals Jokes

If I ever get attacked by a shark I can only hope that I'm smart enough to get out at least one Jaws quote before I go under.

My cat just winked at me and now it's awkward because I only see her as a friend.

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding] lol a horse drawn carriage? "what's funny about that?" a horse can't hold a pencil karen

Just hired a cat sitter to sit on my cat.

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog's pre-puke warning grunts.

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him. You'll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

The problem with a well balanced diet is the amount of chicken wings I have to eat that equals the weight of a dozen beers.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question - probably a bird.

Dr "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" Patient "Good" Dr "You have 6 months to live" P "What's the bad news!?" Dr "...in dog years"

I bet if you work at Tyson Foods sometimes the correct answer to "guess what" really is "chicken butt."

"nice dog or cat or baby or whatever" i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. "was it expensive?"

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.

CONGRATULATIONS It has been 24 0 days since you last stepped in cat puke.

Apparently my facebook friend, Ashley, has a cat suffering from a horrible hairball. I'll be spending the day praying for it like she asked.

I'm thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I'm gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

The obvious way to smuggle drugs past a drug sniffing dog would be to hide it in another dog's ass.

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

My neighbour said I'm not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they'd prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

The cat puked under my bed. Cleanup efforts only made it worse. It's time to renew our commitment to developing alternative sources of cute.

KILLER: I'M GONNA CATCH YOU ME: YOU'LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, 'next we go into our downward dog,' it is frowned upon to make the 'bowchickabowow' sound.