Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, "why the long face?" & the horse says, "why the English Lit degree?"

Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon. Wife: You ate Beggin' Strips. *me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon.

Welcome to the movie theater snack bar! Have some crunchy popcorn, noisy cup of ice, crinkly candy bags, maracas, bubble wrap, and a parrot!