*throws a rock at a bird* Me [writing in "science" journal]: birds don't like rocks.

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don't understand science.

Scientist: we've finally taught a dog Morse Code Dog: [taps paw] Me: what did it say? Scientist: "woof"

Jobs I'd be shit at: -brain surgeon -rocket scientist -ventriloquist -goat herder -sober person thingy