Animals Jokes

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

List of food it's okay to eat with your hands: - corn on the cob - chicken wings - ribs - hamburgers - spaghetti at your in-laws

Him "You run like a gazelle." Me "I'm graceful?" Him "No. You'd be easy prey for a mountain lion."

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

"just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant" IT dude: "ok here's your new mouse" [just fkn destroys the place]

[Jail] INMATE: I killed a guy. SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

Being a racist zebra seems difficult.

Hm. Not sure whether to scold my son for chasing the cat or thank the cat for excersizing my son...

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

You don't see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

Playing play doh w/ 3 is just her ordering me to "make elephant! Now teapot!" As if I have the artistic ability to create more than a ball.

Hobos are like cats, they'll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

Me: my fitbit broke Sales Guy: how Me: i put it on my dog's tail and asked him who's a good boy Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

I have a ton of leftover horse. It turns out I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.

[Testing Cat-Human Translator] Scientist: Cat, what is your name? Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks.

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

Whoever said you can't teach an old dog new tricks was so wrong. I taught mine how to play dead and she's been doing it for a year straight.

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don't understand science.

IAN: Why is that bear hanging out in the bar? ME: He's a well known, gimmick. IAN: Really? ME: That's Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.

You know you're old when you see the neighbor's dog chasing some punk teenagers & you root for the dog.

DR DOG: It says you're here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who's been a good boy?

My waterslide technique has been described as 'oafish', 'dangerous' and 'how did you get into the penguin enclosure'.

Stepped into a spot this morning, where my dog had an accident. Unfortunately for her, taxidermy comes before training in the phone book

Tree: Bark Dog: {leaves}

These people are putting up 'Lost Parrot' signs for the sake of their kids, but you'd think they'd place them higher for other birds to see.