Animals Jokes

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral Friend: what? that's not a giraffe Me: sorry I'm on drugs at your grandmas funeral

Just found out that my cat, Jellybeans, is just an old bag of jellybeans. Still love him so much.

I use my neighbor's outdoor jacuzzi for bubble bath time with my cat. I'd invite him, but my cat's funny about bathing with strangers.

*runs in out of breath* Friend: what's going on? Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me Friend: Ok *waits* *bear runs in, also out of breath*

My bear's diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.

My mom told me today that she is surprised I don't have a cat. I told her I was surprised she has a husband.

I was working in the yard. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake. I hit it with a shovel. I'm happy to report the garden hose is dead

My voicemail greeting is just me strangling a cat while reading bible passages.

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

There's only one kind of people in this world 1. who are good at maths 2. who aren't 3. whose dog can come up with a better tweet than this.

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception? [at the same time] ME: Murder-suicide HIM: The chicken dance!

*giraffe getting his daily coffee* G: usual grande mocha man Barista: gee that's a... G: *sigh* B:...tall order G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul... Thank you for your time.

*pretends to throw a ball and my dog chases after it* haha idiot *checks email* holy shit i won a million dollars??

*puts ranch dressing on chicken* aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

To catch a woman, one must think like a woman. *places glass of wine, and Channing Tatum dvd on mouse trap

I don't wanna ruffle any feathers here, but... *blows gently on a baby duck*

I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things my kitten pounces on.

[undoes GFs bra first time] "wow have you been practicing?" don't be ridiculous [me and dog exchange glances]

I wonder how long it takes a giraffe to throw up?

Things have changed so much like 4000 years ago if you killed a lion and could fix people's teeth you would have been the king of everything

[Dog yoga class] Teacher: Alright, let's go into downward human pose [Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep but once a month it's shark week.

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy