Animals Jokes

genie: "thats definitely your last wish?" me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] "yes" genie: "ok" our dog: "how can i talk all of a sudden?"

"this has never happened before" is that a yes or no? "let me check" [talks into radio] "steve can we let a dog on the rollercoaster?"

{Bear walks up to me} ME: Plays dead BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election ME: Ugh, a poller bear

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the--nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

I appreciate the lemons, but wasn't one of you supposed to teach me how to fish by now?

"Did you hire a wedding photographer?" Sure did! *a dog with a gopro strapped to its head runs by*

A couple of million dollar ideas: 1) Boxers with pockets 2) A service that lets you throw a live shark from a speeding van

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

wife: Can't we just buy a bigger catflap? me: [buttering the cat] We're not made of money, Karen

3 - DAD! HEY DAD! Me: Don't yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me 3 - *walks over* 3 - I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

Thinking of getting a cat? Ease into it by sprinkling hair in your food for a couple of weeks.

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage* "I'm so surprised!" Yes it's a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn't have thumbs so

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don't be rude. Take a little bite.

If I had a dog I'd say "I have a bone to pick with you!" and then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we'd laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

Mechanic said I blew a seal... Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

If you've seen one lion attack you've seen a maul

There aren't many sports that couldn't be improved by adding a bear.

If a dog has puppies in a public place, can they be arrested for littering?

*cat lays on my leg* *I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won't leave* *I move half an inch* *cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

My neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. Today he broke his leg so I had to put him down.

I hate when a grocery clerk judges you for what you put on the checkout belt. I found that dead cat behind YOUR store & now I want to buy it

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked? Me: Sorry I was busy W: Doing what? *cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit* Me: Uh..

I scaled Everest! And I give nicknames to fish.

"Hi, I'm calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist." It's heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It's definitely not a horse.

If you're robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.