Ted Jokes

Giving the devil his due One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Obama…

There's only one rule in heaven Three friends, Ted, Ned, and Fred, get killed in a car crash. They arrive all three together at the pearly gates and are excited that they will be let in, but St. Peter warns them, "There is only one rule in heaven, you must NOT step on the ducks, or you will suffer for eternity." The three friends shrug it off, "How hard could it be to not step on a duck!?" St Peter let them in and they were surprised to see that heaven was full of ducks, "What the hell?" Ted …

Hitchhiking *Ted stopped on the side of the road after seeing a hitchhiker.* * **Hitchhiker:** Hello there. Is the city far? * **Ted:** No. * **Hitchhiker:** May I get in your car? * **Ted:** Yes. *After a couple of hours of driving in silence...* * **Hitchhiker:** Is the city far? * **Ted:** Yes, now it is.

Obama died joke One day in the future, Barrack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Ob…

A dop Ted Father : Son, do we have any dop ted? Son : What's a dop ted? Father : You are. You're adopted. Son : Nice one dad. Father : I'm not your dad.

Champ, the much-loved pub mascot. Ted was the landlord of the Nag's Head pub. Every night, the same guys would turn up, have a few pints of beer, share a conversation and the occasional game of darts or dominoes. At 8pm every night, Ted would receive a visit from one of his other regulars - Champ, a stray dog who always came for a bowl of water and a few bags of pork scratchings. The regulars all loved Champ, and he was treated like the pub's mascot. One night just before 8pm, there was a scr…

there were three race horses; ernie, bill, and ted. the three of them were good friends; they enjoyed racing each other and generally won and lost to each other equally. every evening, after the races, they went to a local bar to relax and drink some beer. they would often discuss racing techniques, their families, etc. one season, bill wasn't doing so well. he rarely beat the other two, and was worried that he'd be sent to the glue factory if his luck didn't change. one night, at the bar,…

You have to be an adult to see Theodore, the guy who takes the medical images at the hospital. After all, he's x-ray Ted.

Jim and Ted were let go after 15 years working at the bra factory so they headed down to the local Employment office… There they each filled out some forms. They both had worked the same quality assurance positions on the line down at the “Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder Inc.”. Afterwards they each met with a jobs counselor to try and find new employment they could embark on. As the final step they met individually with a benefits counselor to receive their unemployment stipend. Back in th…

Dad: Son do we have any 'dop ted'?

Out for a Hike My friend Ted and I were out hiking in the woods. I was a little depressed over my losing my job as an English teacher and felt I needed the fresh air to clear my mind.

Moose hunting {possible repost} A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted

A dop Ted Father : Son

Ted Was Worried... [LONG] Ted

Hitchhiking *Ted stopped on the side of the road after seeing a hitchhiker.*

I drank so much I blew Chunks Jon : Oh Ted

Son, do we have any dop Ted?","son: what's a ""dop Ted""? dad: you are, you are adopted!! son: ... Nice one dad. dad: I'm not your dad. (Dad joke at its finest credit: Kris Wilson)

What's the difference between Limburger cheese and my friend Ted? One is white and stinks, and the other is cheese. (As told to me by the UPS guy)

What's the difference between John Kenndy Jr. and Ted Kennedy? Ted can swim away from an accident.

Why did Bill and Ted join Islam? Because they heard it was radical!

Why did Ted get fired from his job? Because he would only do the minimum?

Son, do we have any dop Ted? son: what's a "dop Ted"? dad: you are, you are adopted!! son: ... Nice one dad. dad: I'm not your dad. (Dad joke at its finest, credit: Kris Wilson)

What's Ted Cruz's favorite food? Boogers. This isn't a joke. Ted Cruz eats his boogers.

What did Ted Cruz's wife get after being elbowed by him? A Ted Bruz

What did the dealer say to Ted when he caught him stealing heroin? Your addicted.