Ted Jokes

Ned vs Ted Warning: This joke is meant to be told in person to keep friends busy. On a farm, twin race horses were born, Ned, who was older by 2 minutes, and younger brother Ted. Growing up they trained with each other and pushed each other to be the best they could. The day finally came when they were old enough for their first race. The announcer addresses the crowd, ""Aaandddd they're off. It's Ned, it's Ted, it's Ned, it's Ted, it's Ted, and it's Ned by a nose. Ted, disappointed by his loss …

Donald Trump was at a campaign rally when a little girl told him she had a riddle for him... Trump agreed to hear the riddle and the girl said, ""You are your mother's son who is not your brother, Who are you?"" Trump answered, ""I'll figure that out and tell you the next time we see you"" Later, Trump still couldn't figure it out, so he called Bill O'Reilly and asked, ""Bill, here is a riddle. You are your mother's son who is not your brother, who are you"" Bill replied, ""That's easy, it's me"…

A Cuban, a Canadian, and a White Supremacist walk into a bar... Bartender says, ""what'll it be Ted?""

'How I Met Your Mother'- is definitely The longest TED talk ever!

Ted, The bus driver got pulled over.. He was busted.

Ted runs into Al and exclaims . . . ""Al! You're alive! Simon told me you were dead"". ""Hardly"" laughs Al. ""As you can see I am quite alive"". ""Impossible"" says Ted. ""Simon is much more reliable than you"".

Ted decides to spruce up his house He asks his wife what color she wants the bedroom painted and she requests that he provide a selection of colors representing aquatic life. He comes back with a selection of paints and she proceeds to browse through them. On the 7th sample she points and excitedly declares, ""Oh! The hue Manatee!""

Why did Ted get fired from his job? Because he would only do the _bear_ minimum?

The Hungover Chef A Chef named Ted comes in early to work one Sunday morning, hungover from a crazy party the night before. In his tired state he begin to talk to all of the Breakfast food he's making for the brunch buffet about to start. Ted looks over at the toast and asks ""how are you feeling this morning toast?"" The toasts doesn't answer because it's just toast. Ted then turns to the sausage and says ""Hey sausage, bet you're night was crazy..."" The sausage just sits there sizzling. Final…

Ted Nugent is driving down the interstate late at night when nature begins to call. He sees a sign for a rest stop. He says to himself, ""Oh man, I know what goes on at these places at night, but I gotta go!"" So he pulls in to the rest stop, looks in the bathroom and finds it empty. Relieved, he goes into the last stall and starts doing his business. A moment later, someone comes into the bathroom and takes the stall next to him. ""Hey, how's it going honey?"" says the man through the partition…

BEDSIDE CONFESSION Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time. Julie: ""I should warn you, Ted: I've got acute angina."" Ted: ""Your breasts aren't bad either.

A farmer is sitting in his living room. Across from him are three potential suitors for his daughter. Having a hard time deciding which of the three will get the honor, he decides to let them compete. ""Boys, I just can't decide so we're gonna have a little contest: Whomever can recite the best poem about their intentions with my daughter can have her hand in marriage."" The first guy clears his throat and recites his. ""Hello there, sir My name is Ted And your daughter I intend to wed I work re…

Repeat after me.... I Pam sofa king read card Ted. Complements of my 6th grader.

A grasshopper walks into a bar... He walks up to the bar, and takes a seat. He flags the bartender down and orders a beer. The bartender does a double take but complies and brings the grasshopper a beer. After handing him his beer, the bartender says ""You know we have a drink named after you""?. The grasshopper looks up from his beer, shoots the bartender a quizzical look and says ""You got a drink named Ted""?

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years... Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. ""So, how's life been for you? "" Ed asked. ""Not too good,"" Ted replied. ""My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my …

A couple attend a TV show screen test... A couple are at a screen test for a new sitcom featuring a really annoying room-mate called Ted. They watched many different test scenes from the pilot, each showing a different aspect of the room mates character. There was one where he refused to clean up after himself, one where he every time he caught a glimpse of himself he would stare for a good minute or two, even one where he refused to wear clothes. After the viewing they were all asked to fill ou…

How did the Edward Impersonator annoy /r/jokes? He feigned ted.

Bob works in a saw mill. One day he comes into work, and his friend Ted asks him, ""Hey, did you hear about Joe?"" ""No, what's up?"" ""Well, he was working late last night and cut off his hand."" ""Holy crap Ted, is he alright?"" ""Oh yeah, we picked it up, put it in a ziplock bag, and he got it sewed back on. He'll be back in a week."" ""That's good, give him my best."" A couple days later, Ted asks Bob ""Hey, did you hear about Paul?"" ""Yeah, I heard he got hurt. What happened?"" ""He ended …

So from now on I believe in talking bears until someone can logically explain how that Ted scene just happened on the #oscars

Ted said to his friend 'can you lend me $10?' 'But I only have $8' his friend replied. That's OK you can always owe me the other $2!

'Why are you crying Ted ?' asked his mum. 'Because my new sneakers hurt.' 'That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.' 'But they are the only feet I have.'

grill Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!" The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is f…

I drank so much I blew Chunks Jon : Oh Ted, I had a terrible night. I drank so much that when I got home, I blew chunks. Ted: Hey, thats not so bad. At least you were in the comfort of your own home. Jon: No, you dont understand. Chunks is my dog...

For my teacher who used to tell this one.... Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic. Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was a comely middle aged woman in jeans and a work shirt. She told them the closest town with a mechanic was 60 miles away, and since it was past 5:00 pm they would be closed anyway until…

Ted Nugent Ted Nugent is driving down the interstate late at night when nature begins to call. He sees a sign for a rest stop. He says to himself, "Oh man, I know what goes on at these places at night, but I gotta go!" So he pulls in to the rest stop, looks in the bathroom and finds it empty. Relieved, he goes into the last stall and starts doing his business. A moment later, someone comes into the bathroom and takes the stall next to him. "Hey, how's it going honey?" says the man throug…