Bill and Ted were at a bar... Bill asked, ""Hey where's Dave? Why isn't he here tonight?"" ""Dave is dead,"" said Ted. ""How?"" Ted said, ""Well, he was supposed to pick me up, but when he got to my house, he hit my Ferrari in the driveway, flew through his own windshield, and crashed through my kitchen window."" ""What a terrible way to die!"" ""Well, no, that didn't kill him. He tried to get up off of my kitchen floor, and he grabbed the handle of my refrigerator door for balance, but the frid…

The Pickup Artist Ted is sitting at the bar, chatting with the bartender. It's a good night, not too crowded, but a steady stream of customers. The door opens and a homely guy walks in. He takes a seat at the other end of the bar, orders a beer, and sits there sipping it. The bartender walks back, and Ted says, ""There's a guy who's leaving alone tonight!"" Even as he speaks, the hottest girl in the room walks up to the homely guy. They chat a minute, then leave arm-in-arm. ""Man!"", says Ted, "…

A Cuban, a Canadian, and a White Supremacist walk into a bar... Bartender says, ""what'll it be Ted?""

Champ, the much-loved pub mascot. Ted was the landlord of the Nag's Head pub. Every night, the same guys would turn up, have a few pints of beer, share a conversation and the occasional game of darts or dominoes. At 8pm every night, Ted would receive a visit from one of his other regulars - Champ, a stray dog who always came for a bowl of water and a few bags of pork scratchings. The regulars all loved Champ, and he was treated like the pub's mascot. One night just before 8pm, there was a scr…