Stalin Jokes

Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin are all sitting in a restaurant discussing their plans for World War 3. A waitress approaches the table and listens to their talk. Hitler opens by saying: "Okay guys, I've got a great idea. I already talked to Stalin about it, but I figure I should get your input. He didn't believe me." Mussolini responds "believe you about what?" "Okay this time, the plan is to kill ten million jews and one mexican." The waitress at this point is intrigued and confused, deci…

Stalin and the sneezer Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes. Stalin stops and surveys the crowd. "Who sneezed?" he asks. Deathly silence. "I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?" Not a peep. "Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!" A few seconds later, the entire first row of the audience is lying in bloody hea…

In high school, I presented a project on communism I thought I would get terrible marx for stalin but the teacher was pretty leninent.

Stalin and Hitler Stalin: Hey Hitler, Wanna Hear a Joke? Hitler: Sure Broh Stalin: Stalingrad Hitler: I Don't Get It Stalin: Exactly

Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are taking a coffee break in Yalta... Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down. "Taking notes?", Roosevelt asks. "No," Churchill says, "I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook." "How funny," Stalin says. "I collect all jokes about myself too." "Oh, really?" Churchill says. "So how many have you got?" "Three prison camps so far."

A secretary enters Joseph Stalin's office. He reports, "Comrade Stalin, there's a man who wants to meet you. Says he can see the future." Stalin thinks for a second, then replies, "Shoot that man. If he saw the future, he wouldn’t come."

One day, Stalin loses his pipe. He calls his secret police chief, Beria, and orders him to find it. A few hours later, Stalin finds his pipe and calls Beria to cancel the investigation. Beria tells Stalin that they have arrested 100 people and 99 of them have already confessed. Stalin responds, "Only 99? Then continue the investigation."

Stalin visits a Young Pioneer camp. He's inspecting the children who are all standing in uniforms in a straight line. He pulls one boy out of line. "What is your name, boy?" asks Stalin. "My name is Vovochka Karpov" answers the boy. "So, tell me, Vovochka, who is your mother?" "My mother is the Great Soviet Country," Vovochka answers. "Very good. And who is your father?" Stalin asks. "My father is the wise and kind Comrade Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin!" says Vovochka. Stalin smiles, pats…

Stalin is giving a big public speech... ... and someone sneezes. Stalin says, "Who sneezed?" Nobody says anything. He looks at a couple of his goons and jerks his head towards the audience. They go pull some random guy out of the crowd and shoot him. Stalin again asks who sneezed. This meek little guy that sneezed can't take it, and steps forward "I sneezed, it was me." Stalin says, "Gesundheit."

What do you call a dictator who can't drive a manual transmission? Stalin

Did you guys hear about the Soviet dictator who kept postponing events? Yea, he was stalin' !

Stalin's assistant enters his office "Sir! There is a man here who wants to see you. He claims to be able to see the future with perfect accuracy!" Stalin takes a puff from his pipe, and gives his order. "Execute him." The assistant obeys and the man is promptly executed. Later, with a lot of hesitation, the assistant asks. "Sir, why did you order this man's execution?" Stalin looks at him calmly, and responds. "If he could really see the future, he …

Putin summons the ghost of Stalin. "Why is everything here so bad? What can I do to make Russia great again?" "Execute half of the population, and paint the Kremlin blue" advises Stalin. "Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin. "I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

Putin is working in his office planning the Ukraine war, when the ghost of Stalin suddenly appears. Putin takes the opportunity to seek advice: “Stalin, what happened? why are things not working out for us?” Stalin gives him the advice: “Send 5 million Russians to their deaths at war, and paint the Kremlin blue.” “Why blue?” asks Vladimir Putin. “I knew you wouldn’t have a problem with the first part,” chuckles Stalin.

Stalin is visiting a Young Pioneer camp. He asks one boy, "What is your name, boy?" "My name is Vovochka Karpov, Comrade Stalin" says the boy. "So tell me, Vovochka," Stalin says, "who is your mother?" "My mother is the Great Soviet Country!" "Very good," says Stalin, "and your father?" "My father is the wise and kind Josef Vissarionovich Stalin!" Stalin pats Vovochka's cheek: "Marvelous! And what do you want to be when you grow up?" "An orphan."

Stalin is planning a visit to a Soviet preschool In preparing, all of the children are taught to say that all of the best things in the world are available in the Soviet Union. So, Stalin with his officials and his bodyguards arrives at the school, and he starts talking to the kids and asking them questions: Firstly, he asks young Alyosha, “Where are the best sweets in the world?” and young Alyosha proudly proclaims, “In the Soviet Union!” Then, he asks young Katya, “Where are the best book…

Joseph Stalin Is Bored To amuse himself he has a great idea. He decides to disguise himself and circulate amongst his people and find out what they really think of him. He organises a job at the local factory and starts work there. He starts chatting with one of the workers, and they agree to eat their lunch in the yard together. After talking for a while Stalin asks the worker, "what do you think of Stalin?". The worker becomes very paranoid and starts looking around. He says in a hushed ton…

Stalin is trying to seduce a girl in Soviet Russia Stalin: Tell me what you want, I will grant you any wish to be with you.. Girl: I want you to open the borders. Stalin: Aaah, you little tease, so you want us to have some alone time..

Old Soviet jokes get more relevant everyday. A few years into Kruschev's reign an old man was in line at the meat market. He waited, and waited, and after 3 hours just couldn't take it anymore. He started yelling "Goddammit! I fought for Lenin in the civil war, I fought for Stalin in World War II! And we're still stuck in this bullshit!" A guard comes over and leads him away from the crowd. "Now come on, old man, you know you can't talk like that! What's the matter with you? Just think - a few…

Stalin visits a Young Pioneer camp. He asks one boy, "What is your name, boy?" "My name is Vovochka Karpov, Comrade Stalin" says the boy. "So tell me, Vovochka," Stalin says, "who is your mother?" "My mother is the Great Soviet Country!" "Very good," says Stalin, "and your father?" "My father is the wise and kind Josef Vissarionovich Stalin!" Stalin pats Vovochka's cheek: "Marvelous! And what is your greatest desire?" "To become an orphan."

Stalin's driver asks him for a raise One day; while walking to his car - comrade Krushchev comes upon his driver, eating grass. "What are you doing?" "Don't you have any food to eat?" "I pay you a monthly salary!" The driver responds; "Comrade Krushchev, i can barely feed my family with that money. Please! I'm begging you, can i have a promotion?" Comrade Krushchev obliges. Later in the evening; Stalin's driver sees Krushchev's driver buying drinks for everyone at the local bar. After hea…

What do you call a Russian that is procrastinating You call him Stalin

Why weren’t Soviet fighter jets ever any good? Cause they were always Stalin

Stalin should have known that Communism wouldn't work. I mean

Why could nobody in the Soviet Union drive a car? They kept Stalin.