Stalin Jokes

What would Stalin do to ISIS if he were alive? Stalin would send his men into the nearest town threatened by ISIS then murder every man, woman, and child he found living there. When ISIS entered the city, they'd find a pile of bodies and a sign waiting for them saying: ** (Amateurs)

I used to have a Russian friend who was a terrible driver... He was stalin

As everyone takes their position, somebody sneezes. Stalin asks, ""who sneezed?"" Nobody answers. So he asks the 1st row of people. Again, nobody answered so he kills everyone. Then he asks the 2nd row and again, nobody answers. So he kills everyone in the 2nd row. He then goes to the people in the 3rd row and one guy raises his hand and says, ""it was me"" in a very scared tone. So Stalin says, ""bless you.""

Why did the Soviets implement 5 year plans instead of 4 year plans? 'Cuz they were stalin'!

What do Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini and Ayn Rand have in common? They are all dead.

Don't be russian Or you'll be stalin

I thought you were Russian... ...but it turns out you were just Stalin and Putin me off.

Why Russians never drive stick shift? They really hate Stalin

Ukraine What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea? I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.

Stalin & the sneezer Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes. Stalin stops and surveys the crowd. ""Who sneezed?"" he asks. Deathly silence. ""I repeat,"" says Stalin, ""who sneezed?"" Not a peep. ""Very well,"" says Stalin. ""First row, stand up!"" Everyone in the first row stands up. ""Guards! Open fire!"" A few seconds later, the entire first row of the audience is lying in bloo…

WWII era Soviet joke In the middle of Stalin's war council Marshall Zhukov storms out of the room, muttering ""The moustached tyrant went utterly batshit"" to himself. Head of NKVD Lavrentiy Beria hears him and immediately repeats what he heard to Stalin. Stalin calls Zhukov back and asks who did he mean. ""Hitler, of course."" ""And who did **you** think he meant, comrade Beria?""

Why didn't Stalin look both ways before he crossed the road? He was rushin'

My Russian History Professor told us an old Soviet Union joke Brezhnev dies and goes to hell (responsible for era of Soviet economic stagnation) where he meets the Devil. The Devil says: ""You've been a bad man, Mr. Brezhnev. I'm going to show you three doors, a different eternal punishment behind each, and you must choose your fate."" Three large wooden doors materialize; The Devil opens the first to reveal Hitler being boiled alive in a huge cauldron. Brezhnev says: ""That looks too painful, l…

Why didint Stalin like his new IPhone? It had a 5 year plan

Why did the Germans loose WWII? They kept Stalin around.

Do you know what he was be for he was Putin ? he was Stalin.

Russia Jokes Submit your best Russia jokes. Mine are ""Why was everybody in Russia rushin'? Because nobody wanted to be Stalin."" and ""Why were Russians wearing bear fur coats? Because Lenins weren't warm enough for them.""

Questions and answers from Radio Athens Question: Is it true that there are two kinds of people serving as deputies of the European Parliament, as members of the European Commission, as members of the Permanent Representations of the Member States to the European Union and as members of the national Parliaments? Answer: Yes, it is absolutely true. One kind is those not capable of anything at all, and the other, those capable of anything whatsoever. Question: Is it possible for Switzerland to joi…

Why did the USSR agree to a nonaggression pact with Nazi Germany? They were Stalin.

Stalin and Roosevelt are chatting at a meeting on the top floor of a building. In a heated argument they decided to test their bodyguard's loyalty. Roosevelt goes first and tells his bodyguard ""Jump out the window"" to which the bodyguard responds ""No I cant... What about my family?"" Then Stalin goes and tells his body the same thing. Stalin's bodyguard then goes to the window, jumps out, and dies instantly upon hitting the pavement below. ""Why did he do that"" asked Roosevelt? ""Well"" said…

Why cant russians drive stick? Because they are always Stalin!

Soviet propaganda short fim titled: Mercifulness of our Great Leader Stalin Two kids run into Stalin's study, saying: ""Uncle Stalin, uncle Stalin, give us some sweets, please!"" Stalin, distracted, looks angrily at the kids and shouts: ""Out of my study, right now!"" Children scared off and ran back immediately. Voiceover concludes: ""Yet he could kill them.""

Why do Communist Dictators have trouble getting their work done on time? They're way too into Stalin

Why didn't the USSR get anything done? They were Stalin

A lady waits for the bus An old Soviet lady has been waiting for two hours to get in a bus. Bus after bus came full and she couldn't squeeze herself in. When she finally managed to crawl in, she wiped her forehead, and said, ""Finally, thank God!"" The driver overheard her and said, ""Mother, you must not say that, You must say 'thank comrade Stalin'."" ""Excuse me, comrade,"" the woman said. ""I'm just a backward old woman. I'll say from now on as you told me."" After a while, she said, ""Excus…