Stalin Jokes

Hey Joseph, Why you Stalin?

The great train of Communism grinds to a halt... Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are riding on the great train of communism together when it suddenly grinds to a halt. Stalin pokes his head out of the window and shouts, ""Take the engineers behind the tool sheds and have them shot, then get new engineers!"" But the train still does not move. Khrushchev has a go at it next. ""Pardon the engineers, retrain them, then put them back to work!"" But still the train does not move. Finally, after hours …

Hitler and Stalin are sitting at the bar. A patron walks up to the bar and asks the barman if that's Hitler and Stalin sitting over there. He says yes.The man goes over to Hitler and Stalin and asks what they are doing. ""We're planning world war 3"" says Stalin. ""We're going to kill 14 million Jews and 1 bike repair man"" says Hitler. ""Why the bike repair man?"" The patron asks. Hitler says to Stalin ""See? i told you no one would ask about the Jews""

How can you tell Russians are bad at driving stick? cause their cars are always Stalin

Joke from my jazz history class: You are stuck on an island with Hitler, Stalin, and Kenny G. You have a gun, but you only have two bullets. What do you do? You shoot Kenny G. Twice.

In the bad old days on the Soviet Union, a dissident published a pamphlet in which he openly said Stalin was a fool. Sure enough, the man was arrested days later for this crime. So, the dissident went to court and said ""I'm innocent and want to defend myself! What I said was truthful - I did not commit libel!"" The judge said to him ""you don't understand - you're not being charged for libel, you're being charged with revealing a state secret."" -heard on an Intelligence Squared debate.

The day after Stalin's death... ...the Soviet nation decided to get rid of him once and for all and bury him as far away as possible. They set up a special commission. The commission turned to the British government with the request that they make available a plot in a British cemetery. ""Well,"" replies the British government, ""we do already have Karl Marx in England ... Two such great masters in the one cemetery . . . That would be overdoing it a bit..."" So they tried the Germans. ""Well, we…

My Favorite Stalin Joke Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says, "Bless you, Comrade!"

Hitler and Stalin walk together in the afterlife ... they stop next two people and Hitler tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic. one of the two people hear this and asks Hitler "Why kill the mechanic?" Hitler turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews"

The leaders of the Big Three after the conference in Yalta After WW2 in 1945 the leaders of the Big Three(USA, UK and the Soviet Union) respectively Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin met in Yalta for a conference to decide the fate of the world. After the conference they wanted to have some fun. They decided to try and make the Persian cat in the residence to eat mustard. Churchill started first. He took a silver spoon with some mustard and tried his best to feed the cat but failed. -You briti…

My Chinese friend's jokes about Socialism and Capitalism * A Russian, an American, and a Chinese person are walking down a path. Suddenly, they come to a fork in the road. One path has the sign "Capitalism," and it's brightly lit and beautiful. The other is labeled "Socialism," and it's dark and frightening. The American chooses first, marching confidently down the brightly lit path. The Russian is next. Determined, he starts to go down the dark path, but then turns back halfway and runs toward…

Russian kids were writing an essay about their heroes.... ..... The title was: "Who is your hero and why Stalin?"

Russian history joke, maybe not for everyone but my Soviet studies professor told it in class and I had to share. Josef Stalin, Nikita Khruschev, and Leonid Bresnev are riding together on a train headed towards Communism. Suddenly the train grinds to a halt. The three leaders are annoyed, most of all Stalin, who immediately orders the train's personnel executed. Still, the train does not move. Khruschev stands up and tells Stalin he is wrong and his way is the best way to restart the train.…

Stalin was giving a speech. and in the middle of his speech, someone in the audience sneezed. Stalin abruptly stopped talking and asked who sneezed? But everyone was too terrified of the consequences to admit it. Stalin makes the first row of people stand up, and asks again, who sneezed? No on admits to being the one to cause this interruption. Stalin has the entire first row executed on the spot. He tells the second row to get on their feet and asks the same question. Again, no one is willing …

Russian shit Parent calls up to child: Quit stalling in the bathroom! Child calls back: I'm not Stalin, I'm Putin!

I heard this joke from a foreign tour woman of a museum of Communism in Russia... [Apparently this was a real joke told by anti-communist citizens when Stalin was dictator of the Soviet Union] Have you tried Stalin bacon before? *I'm not sure.. I don't think so...* Well, I know for certain that you haven't - the pig's not dead yet.

Why didn't Hitler drive a stick shift? Because he hated Stalin

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are sitting together on a train... The train breaks down. Lenin tries to rally the workers to work together and get the train running again. When that fails, Stalin lines up all the workers and shoots them. When that doesn't help, Khrushchev tries to reform the workers back to life. When that also fails, Brezhnev pulls down all the curtains in the rail car and says "let's just pretend the train is moving." After sitting in the dark for a while,…

Interruption of the speech of Comrade Stalin Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ... A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.) Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!" Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin... A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin sitting at a table. He walks up to them and asks what they are doing. Hitler says were planning WW3. The man asks what's going to happen this time. Hitler says this time were going to kill 15 million Jews and a bicycle repair man. The man asks why a bicycle repair man. Hitler turns to Stalin and says see I told you know one would care about the 15 million Jews.

Stalin and Roosevelt Stalin and Roosevelt are chatting at a meeting on the top floor of a building. In a heated argument they decided to test their bodyguard's loyalty. Roosevelt goes first and tells his bodyguard "Jump out the window" to which the bodyguard responds "No I cant... What about my family?" Then Stalin goes and tells his body the same thing. Stalin's bodyguard then goes to the window, jumps out, and dies instantly upon hitting the pavement below. "Why did h…

Stalin appears in Putin's dream... Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country. Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue." "Why blue?" Putin asks. "Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."

Russia's Three Steps to Homework Step 1. Putin it off Step 2. Stalin Step 3. Russian to finish

Hitler and Stalin meet in hell... and are standing in a massive pile of shit.How deep they are standing in it depends on how bad they were before they got into hell.Hitler already has the shit to his mouth and looks over to Stalin. He is surprised to see that he only has the shit to his ankles and asks him why.Stalin looks over to him and says:"Let me tell you a secret. "What is it" responds Hitler. Stalin:"I am standing on a priest".

Mao Zedong, Stalin, Hitler, and Ellen Pao walk into a bar... (user was banned for this post)