Science Jokes

A scientist comes over to test the pigs of a farmer who smokes weed... They were all pot-bellied pigs.

I asked a scientist how close humanity is to speed-of-light travel ""We're relatively far off.""

A helium atom walks into a bar. The bartender says ""get out, we don't serve your kind here"". The helium atom did not react.

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: ""Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. ""Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. ""How dare you ask such a question?"" she says. ""I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, wh…

I used to work for a mad scientist He was a real visionary, or so I thought at the time. Eccentric, yet fiercely intelligent. His work was on genetically enhancing marine mammals, especially dolphins. We were making them stronger, faster and above all *smarter*-and after all its well known that dolphins are already very intelligent. The idea was that they could help coast guards save people. For perhaps a year I was simply happy to be working alongside such a brilliant man for the good of humani…

I would tell a funny science joke... but all the good ones Argon.

A sodium atom undergoes a vigorous reaction with flourine... How do you feel?"" Asks the fluoride ion. ""Positively shell shocked"" the sodium ion replied.

A Russian officer is giving his cadets a lesson about chemistry. He says: ""Cadets, write down: the temperature of boiling water is 90."" One of the privates replies, ""Comrade praporshchik, you're mistaken it's 100!"" The officer consults his handbook, and then announces, ""Right, 100. It is a *right angle* that boils at 90.""

So there's this hot NA chick in my chemistry class Her attitude is always salty, but hey, her booty is sodium fine. Edit: Na

A hydrogren atom and a neutron are hanging out at a bar. The Hydrogen atom says *""Hey, I think I've been ionised, I can't find my electron!""* The Neutron asks *""Really? Are you sure?""* Hydrogen replies *""Yes; I'm positive.""* ----- After consoling Hydrogen for a while, Neutron says *""Bartender, we need a round of drinks. My friend is having a rough day.""* The bartender delivers the drinks, and Neutron gets out its wallet and asks *""How much for these?""* The bartender holds up his hand a…

A Programmer's Story As an undergraduate, I was a Double E major. I studied physics, quantum mechanics, and Maxwell's equations! I designed circuits! Hah! But does anyone call me Pierre the Electrical Engineer? NO! As a master's student, I studied mathematics. I learned and proved many beautiful theorems! I broke new ground with my professors! Hah! But does anyone call me Pierre the mathematician? NO! BUT WRITE ONE LITTLE PROGRAM!

CARTOON LAWS OF PHYSICS Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pasture land. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over. Cartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on fo…

A blonde has a BS in Science... Bullshit, isn't it?

So my biology teacher asked me what are in cells... I said ""black people"" and somehow that wasn't right

The Online Biology Class I almost got expelled in an Online Biology crash course earlier. They asked me what the major constituent of cells are. Turns out, ""black people"" is NOT a good answer.

I got mugged yesterday... The mugger said, ""Give me your money or you're science."" I said, ""Don't you mean history?"" He said, ""Don't try and change the subject.""

Some naughty science shit. 63 earths can fit inside ur-anus.

TIL that my chemistry professor is a zoophile I walked in on him while he was in his lab

You know you're in the r/science subreddit when [removed]

A man is flying a hot air balloon and thinks he's lost... so he gets closer to the ground and sees a man walking by. He calls down to him, ""hey, do you know where I am?"" The man thinks for a second and says, ""you're at exactly 58.2 degrees north by 48.7 degrees west, you're standing still now but your approach velocity was 5.1 m/s at an angle of 2.56 radians."" The balloonist replies, ""huh, are you a statistician?"" The man says ""yes, how did you know?"" ""Everything you told me was complet…

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away] [SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away] [scientist decodes message in the signal] ""enough...with...the...Harambe...jokes""

Two scientists walk into a bar... ...The first one says: ""I'll have some H2O"" The second one says: ""I'll have some water too"" The first scientist got angry because his assassination attempt failed.

Phantom energy So, our science teacher was teaching us about phantom energy. At one point of the lesson, he puts his phone on the counter and says; ""If I leave my phone here it will eventually die."" After a little pause I hear another student whisper and say; ""Same with children"".

A scientist, a doctor and a janitor discover an old lamp... The scientist rubs the lamp and sure enough a genie pops out! ""Thank you for releasing me!"" said the genie, ""You can have anything you like, providing you do one days work of a different profession. You may choose what you want to do."" The scientist goes first, ""Well I've always thought that being a kindergarten teacher would be an easy job."" BAM! The scientist is transported to a kindergarten. The scientist begins his lesson by a…

Three women were shopping at the market place in a foreign country... A ravishing brunette, a scientist redhead, and a famous Blonde. As they explore the area, they find a fancy antique store with various interesting items, but the most alluring was a big oval mirror with a golden exquisite frame.   So they ask the owner about it, and he says ""ah, a very good eye you have, this is a special mirror which some say is cursed, others say it is a blessing."" He continues ""it is said if you…