Pirate Jokes

Paid a homeless guy $1 for this: What's a pirate's favorite letter? (They will always say "arrrrrrhh.") Nope, P, it's like arrrrrrhh without a leg.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Man, I wish I had paid for all that music...

A pirate goes to a doctor... A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them. "It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!" (sorry if repost, haven't seen it on this sub)

"One man's trash is another man's treasure," is an awesome phrase But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.

A pirate goes to the doctor, worried the moles on his back are cancerous "It's ok" says the Doctor "They're benign" "Count 'em again Doc" says the pirate. "I reckon there be at least ten

A pirate walks into a bar… …and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Arrh!" says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit me leg. But the surgeon fixed me up, and I be fine, really." "Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands." …

An interview with a Pirate A reporter was interviewing a pirate. He asked, "Sir, how did you lose your leg?" "Well, matey, that was back in the bloody war o' '72, when we cut the heads off o' every last one of the deadliest rascals on the Seven Seas, The Mutineers." "How did you lose your hand?" "That was in a sword fight between me and Captain Jackie Douglas, the scalawag. I beat him good that day, but lost me hand in the battle. Now all I have is this hook." "How did you l…

As a child I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog. Courtesy of Gary Delaney

So a pirate walks into a bar... So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.. Bar Tender: "hi sir, um.. you know you have a steering wheel in your pants right?" Pirate: "Aye! it's driving me nuts!"

The Pirate A man walks into a bar and finds a pirate seated at the bar. The man takes a seat next to the pirate and notes the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The man strikes up a conversation with the pirate and eventually works up the courage to ask him about his deformities. "I'm terribly sorry if this is too personal, but how did you come to get your peg leg?" The pirate shifted in his seat he looked back at the man and said, "Aye. 'Tis no trouble, lad. Lost me leg from c…

A pirate goes to the doctor A doctor walks into his exam room and is greeted with a strange sight: a pirate captain with a ships steering wheel protruding from his waistline. The doctor says "Well, I'm not sure what you came in here for, but I think we should start by addressing the steering wheel down your pants." The pirate nods fervently, and says "Yarr, it's been drivin' me nuts!"

A pirate talks with his captain... 'Captain, how did you get your peg leg?' 'Yarrr... Me ship sank. I was rescued, but not before a great white took me leg.' 'What about your hook hand?' 'Me ship was boarded. I repelled the bastards, but not before I lost me hand.' 'And what about your eye patch?' 'Yarrr... a bird shit in me eye.' 'I don't understand.... How did that cause you to lose an eye???' 'It was me first day with the hook!'

The Pirate and the alphabet Why does it take a pirate so long to finish saying the alphabet? Because they spend years at sea.

A pirate ship is voyaging at sea. First mate: Captain there is an enemy ship on the horizon preparing for battle! Captain: Bring me my red shirt! The two ships got to battle and the enemy ship ends up being destroyed. First mate: Captain why did you ask me to bring you a red shirt before the battle? Captain: Well, if I were to get shot during battle, the red shirt would disguise the blood and you would continue with the battle. First mate: Wow, that is very honorable. Captain there are …

Why is French person a better team player than a pirate? The pirate says, "Aye, aye!" The French says, "Oui, oui!"

The Pirate A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." "Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?" "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got f…

A pirate walks into a bar.. Walks up to the bar and orders a drink. Bartender recognizes the man and gets him a round of his usual. He gives him his drink and says to the pirate, "How are you doing old friend? If you don't mind me asking, what happened with your leg? You had two good legs last time you were in here." Pirate: "Well unfortunately I happen to be walking the poop deck one day and caught my leg in a hole in the boards. But, the doc fixed me up with a nice peg here. I'm fine!" Bart…

What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it would be R, but they really love the C.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants The bartender says, "Pirate, you know you got a steering wheel attached to your willie?" The pirate replies, "ARRG! It's drivin' me nuts!"

Why is being a pirate addictive? They say that after you lose your first hand, you get hooked!

A Pirate walked into a bar A pirate walked into a bar and sat down for a drink. The bartender asked, "Gee you look awful, are you feeling okay?" "I feel fine, why do you ask?," said the pirate. "Well your leg is half missing, you have a wooden peg leg!" "Arrr that happened a few years back, cannonball came right through the ship and took out me leg." The bartender looked down at the pirate's hand, "But your hand, it's a hook! How did that happen?" "Arrr well I was in a sword fight and he …

My gay friend told me his old boyfriend never played with his balls, but his new one just can't stop playing with them I told him "I suppose one man's junk is another mans treasure"

What's a pirate's favorite letter? The P. If the P was taken away, he would be irate

My favorite pirate joke A pirate walks into a bar with a huge wooden ships wheel stuck down the front of his pants, as he waddles up to the bar the bartender asks, "Hey, doesn't that thing bother you?" To which the pirate replies, "Gaarrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

My 5-year-old niece's twist on an old pirate joke **Question:** Why did the pirate have trouble with the alphabet? **Answer:** Because his 'I' was all jacked up. *...she cracks me up*