Jesus Christ Jokes

Jesus and Moses are playing golf. After teeing off, Jesus asks Moses which club he should use to clear the water hazard and Moses says, ""Use your 4 iron"". Jesus says, ""No, Tiger Woods would use a 6 iron"". His shots goes into the water. Jesus walks out onto the water to find his ball and is seen by another golfer who says to Moses, ""Look at that guy. Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"" Moses says, ""He is Jesus Christ, he THINKS he's Tiger Woods.""

Little Mary never did very well in church. She would always fall asleep when the priest was speaking. One day, while Mary was happily sleeping, the Priest said ""Mary, who created the Earth as we know it""? The little boy behind Mary got bored, took out a pin, and poked Mary with it in the back. Mary jolted awake and screamed ""Oh good Lord""! ""Good job""! said the priest. A little later, the Priest asked sleeping Mary ""Mary, who was born on December 25th and is celebrated for Christmas?"". Th…

3 Men are at heaven's gate St peter says to the first one, ""You can enter heaven if you can tell me the real meaning of Easter"". The man responds, ""That's when Santa brings toys to all the good girls and boys"". St. peter responds, ""No, that's not even the right holiday. You can't get into heaven."" St. peter turns to the second man and asks the same question. The man responds, ""That's when the Easter bunny gives painted eggs to the kids."" St peter responds, ""That has nothing to do with t…

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil. Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?' When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.. A little later the Nun asked Su…

Senator Franken dies and goes to heaven... Senator Franken dies and is processed through the Heavenly Admission Administration. Somewhere along the proceedings, he expresses his fear that maybe Glenn Beck will be admitted to Heaven too, being such a staunch Christian. Which would definitley ruin it for Franken so he'd rather go to Hell in that case. ""No worries mate,"" says the processing admin angel, ""Yer won't see the likes of that one 'ere, ey"". So Franken is all ""Kay, sure, cool"" and ge…

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, ""I'm Jesus Christ."" The first priest says, ""No, son, you're not."" So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, ""No, son, you're not."" The drunk says, ""Look, I can prove it."" He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, ""Jesus Christ, you're here again?""

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, ""Peter, come hither!"" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, ""Peter, come hither!"" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and …

Little Jhony, April and Teacher Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ""Tell me, April, who created the universe?"" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ""GOD ALMIGHTY!"" shouted April and the teacher said, ""Very good"" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, ""Who is our Lord and…

Advice for the new guy A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass,…

A woman had returned home from an evening of church services..... ....when she was startled by an intruder robbing her house of its valuables. She yelled ""Stop! Acts 2:38!"" (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: ""Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a …

A boy and a girl were in church. The teacher was asking them questions. ""Who is the central figure of christianity?"" She asks. The boy poked the girl with a sharp pencil to be funny. ""Jesus Christ!"" The girl yelled. ""Very good. Now who who created life on earth?"" She asked. The boy poked her again. ""God!"" The girl yelled, even louder this time. ""Wow! You know your facts! But how about this one. What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 22nd baby?"" AGAIN, the boy poked her with the …

In a neighbourhood there were two little brothers, Jim and Jake... Jim was 12, and Jake was 9, and they were two little devils. They ran around stealing stuff from the neighbours, and whenever something went missing on the neighbourhood, everyone knew it was their fault. One day, after they stole somethign yet again, their mother said: ""I'm done with you two!"", and decided to call the local priest for help. He suggested that she should send Jake to the church, and there he would turn into a mo…

The Pope is teaching a Sunday school class ""Children"" begins the Pope. ""Where's Jesus today?"" Little Tommy says: ""He's in my heart."" Little Barry says: ""He's in Heaven."" Little Davey says: ""He's in our bathroom."" The surprised Pope asks Little Davey how he knows this. ""Well,"" says Little Davey, ""every day my Dad bangs on our bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?""

A young Gujrati boy named Jignesh starts attending public school in a small town in United States. The teacher of the school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks a question and the student to give correct answer gets $50 prize. She asks the class, ""Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"" A girl raises her hand and says, ""I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country."" The teacher replies, ""Well.…

The New Priest Drinks Vodka A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his o…

Jesus christ, guys! Can we stop arguing about politics for ONE second and change subject to something more lighthearted? So what are your guys' thoughts on abortion?

So a crow is in the woods... Perched on top of a tree and is relaxing smoking weed. A lizard nearby smells it an looks up and sees this crow way up on the top of this tree. So the lizard asks ""hey! Wanna share?"" ""Sure I don't mind, come on up""replies the crow. ""Great but let me go get some water first, one sec."" Said the lizard. So the lizard goes over to the lake nearby and sees this alligator and tells him what he was about to go do and where this crow was at in case he wanted to join. A…

A drunk man is stumbling around outside... He smells of beer and looks absolutely plastered. A priest walks by and asks him why he's getting drunk so early in the day. The man wobbles a bit and belches out ""Why, I'm your lord and savior"". The priest is, obviously, unconvinced and begins to walk away. The drunk calls out ""Look, I'll prove it!"" The drunk leads the priest into the building closest to them, a bar. The bartender looks over at the man in shock and says... ""*Jesus christ*! You're …

A man walks into a bar and gets drunk... A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He downs it quickly and orders one more. This process continues for a while until the man is clearly drunk. When asking for his 4th round, the bartender says she can't serve intoxicated customers and asks the man to leave, so he does. However, after an hour, he returns to the bar, still drunk. The bartender, aggravated, tells the man to get out. The man leaves once again, but this time, he meets another person out…

Jesus Christ is covered in blood, dying on the cross.. his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, ""Peter, come hither!"" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, ""Peter, come hither!"" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier d…

Moses and Jesus decide to play golf. First hole is a par 4, fairly straight but there's a pond that stretches from the front of the tee to a spot about 200 yards down the fairway. Jesus pulls a 4-iron out of his bag and steps up to the tee. Moses can't believe it. ""A 4-iron? Are you nuts? You can't clear the water with that!"" Jesus waves him off ""Chill. Arnold Palmer has done it a hundred times."" He tees off and the ball goes 175 yards; right into the pond. Moses sighs, parts the water, and …

The basketball coach storms into the president office and demands a raise.. The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. ""Jesus Christ, man,"" protested President Kubritski, ""you already make more than the entire English department."" ""Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with,"" the coach blustered. ""Look."" He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. ""Run over to my off…

Little April wasn't the best student in Sunday school Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ""Tell me, April, who created the universe?"" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ""GOD ALMIGHTY!"" shouted April and the teacher said, ""Very good"" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, ""Who is our Lord and Saviour,"" But, April didn't even…

A lady is bargaining for a honeymoon package abroad.. Says the agent: ""Check it out maam. 3 nights and 4 days in a cruise to Bahamas, all night party and casino environment with free booze. Just $2000 per couple. Hell of a deal."" The lady: ""Umm. Nice one. But do you have anything cheaper?"" The agent: ""Sure maam. 4 nights and 5 days in Australia. Sea surfing, para gliding, 5 star hotel stay and kangaroo ride as well. Just $1500 per couple. Hell of a deal."" The lady: ""Wow. But still.. do ha…

Arnold Palmer (RIP) joke Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf. They come to a tee where the hole is on an island. Moses says, ""You gonna use a wood?"" Jesus says,"" No, Arnold Palmer would use a 9 iron."" Jesus does so, and his ball goes in the water. So he starts walking across the water to get his ball. Another group comes up and asks Moses, ""Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"" ""No, says Moses, ""He thinks he's Arnold Palmer""