Harry Jokes

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a hugh buck. ""Where's Harry?"", asked another hunter. ""He fainted a couple miles up the trail,"" Harry's partner answered. ""You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"" ""It was a tough decision,"" said the hunter. ""But I figured no one is going to steal Harry.""

Two office workers were chatting around the water cooler. ""I had a nice quiet dinner with my wife last night, Harry,"" said one. ""Oh yeah?"" ""Yeah, except for the celery.""

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. ""I was the James Bond type of player"" he told his friends. ""I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."" ""Batted .007"" his wife added.

Harry was madly in love with Betty but couldn't pluck up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. 'Darling!' he blurted out 'will you marry me?' 'Of course I will you silly boy' she replied 'who is it speaking?'

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. ""Bad day at the course?"" his wife asked. ""Everything was going fine"" he said. ""Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."" ""Oh that's awful!"" ""You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball drag Harry hit the ball drag Harry.""

Fred: ""Why are you so upset?"" Harry: ""My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning."" Fred: ""So what?"" Harry: ""So she said to him 'Doctor this is my husband. You know one of the men I've been telling you about'.""

Two men were remembering their wedding days. ""It was dreadful"" said Fred. ""I got the most terrible fright."" ""What happened?"" asked Harry. ""I married her"" replied Fred.

Fred: Do you think I'm a fool? Harry: No. But what's my opinion against thousands of others?

A stupid man was struggling out of his house with a big table. His neighbor said to him ""Hello Harry. Where are you going with that then?"" And Harry replied ""I'm taking it to the store to have it measured for a new tablecloth.""

Harry was telling his friend about his holiday in Switzerland. His friend had never been to Switzerland and asked 'what did you think of the scenery ?' 'Oh I couldn't see much' Harry admitted. 'There were all these mountains in the way.'

Three nurses went to heaven and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said ""I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven."" St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says ""I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose…

Two elderly gentlemen Sam and Harry were having breakfast. Sam said to Harry ""Harry why do you have a suppository in your ear?"" Harry took the suppository out looked it over and said ""Sam I'm really glad you saw this thing now I think I know where my hearing aid is.""

""Take the wheel Harry!"" said the nervous lady driver. ""There's a tree coming straight for us!""

Fred: Do you like the dictionary I bought you for your birthday? Harry: Sure. It's a great present but I just can't find the words to thank you enough.

Fred: Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days? Harry: No. Why? Fred: Well your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday.

eer booze and fun!' 'Every night after dinner a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife waiting up for him would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day the wife was t…

Fred: What's that terribly ugly thing on your shoulders? Harry: Help! What is it? Fred: Your head!

Harry is taking a stroll through the woods.... ...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for something larger, and he finds an old railroad tie. He lifts up the railroad tie and chucks it down the hole. Still no sound. Then out of NOWHERE, Harry…

Spelling bee in heaven. A married woman named Harriet was very ill and passed away. When she ascended into heaven, an angel was waiting for her. The angel said, "You can be allowed into heaven, if you spell a word for me." Harriet replies, "OK, what's the word?" "The word is love." "L-O-V-E, love." Harriet spells. "Welcome to heaven, but before you go in, can you watch the gate for me? I have to go do something. If someone comes up you know what to do" the angel asks. "Okay," and the angel f…

A first grade teacher was having trouble... A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. Th…

Oldie but a Goodie Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!" To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."

"I'm too smart for 1st grade!" A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The princ…

A male driver with his wife is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty lo…

The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!" The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!" The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either." Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said…

So an elderly woman thinks her husband is starting to go deaf... The woman decides to test her theory. She stands about 30 feet way and calls to her husband: "Oh Harry!" She gets no response. She then stands 20 feet away and calls out to him again: "Oh Harry!" She is surprised that he STILL doesn't hear her call so she tries again, this time from 10 feet away: "Oh Harry!" Harry exclaims: "For the 3rd time Bertha! What do you want!?"