Harry Jokes

A man lovingly told his fiance ""I don't have a big house or a yacht like my friend, Harry, but I will love you forever."" She replied, ""Oh, yeah. I love you too. Now, who's this Harry?!""

Two deaf guys... Two deaf guys, Ed and Harry, were hanging out talking, when Ed told Harry a joke. Harry laughed so hard he broke three fingers...

Damn Auto-Correct ""I am so sorry Harry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again."" The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.…

A farmer is sitting in his living room. Across from him are three potential suitors for his daughter. Having a hard time deciding which of the three will get the honor, he decides to let them compete. ""Boys, I just can't decide so we're gonna have a little contest: Whomever can recite the best poem about their intentions with my daughter can have her hand in marriage."" The first guy clears his throat and recites his. ""Hello there, sir My name is Ted And your daughter I intend to wed I work re…

A bunch of bats are hanging on a tree branch... BAT A: Hey look at Harry he's hanging the other way up!! (like a bird) BAT B: He's been having these fainting spells all week.

A man received the following text from his neighbour ""I am so sorry Harry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around; in fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again"". Poor Harry, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and without…

The compliment seeking wife... ""Harry,"" whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. ""What should I do?! I'm not ready for old age! I'm only 40 years old but I look and feel like I'm over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out."" ""Well,"" said Harry after looking her up and down, ""There is one thing about you that still works as good as new."" ""Oh Harry!"" said Mary sitting down next to her husband, ""you always know just what to say! What are you refe…

Spell anaesthetize! Harry was sad when reddit was unaffected.

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place... Man: ""What's the problem officer?"" Officer: ""You were going at least 75 in a 50 zone."" Man: ""No sir. I was going 65."" Wife: ""Oh. Harry. You were going 80."" The man gives the wife a dirty look. Officer: ""I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."" Man: ""Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"" Wife: ""Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for…

How did Harry get it in Ron's sweet Diagon Alley? A lubricantation.

Latex gloves A happy couple are laying in bed when the husband farts, the wife says to him ""Harry, you fart every morning in bed. One day you're going to fart your guts out!"" Harry just grunted and ignored her. 4 months later... It's the morning after thanksgiving and the wife Fiona is looking in the fridge when she notices the insides of the turkey in plastic wrap. She knows what she had to do. She goes upstairs and while Harry is sleeping she slips the insides into his boxers. She goes back …

Ittilain wedding It Italy its a tradition for the mother to accompany the daughter when the marriage in consummated. The mother says to the daughter ""Don't worry about your first time, you will enjoy it."" and hasty the daughter enters the room. Five minutes later she runs out screaming, "" MAMA! MAMA! The man has a harry back!"" the mother replies, ""Don't worry, men are just like that, get back inside and enjoy yourself"". The wife enters the house again. Five minutes later she runs out again…

Child skipping ahead in school A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ""Harry, what's your problem?"" Harry answered, ""I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!"" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The princip…

Too smart for the first grade.. A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ""Harry, what's your problem?"" Harry answered, ""I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"" Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal to…

The Smiths were unable to conceive children... and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ""I'm off. The man should be here soon"" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ""Good morning, madam. I've come to...."" ""Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"" Mrs. Smith cut in. ""Really?"" the photographer asked. ""Well, …

Mrs Smith & The Expert. The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and they decide to get in some help, by way of a man who is supposed to be an expert in what is needed. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, ""I'm off. The expert should be here soon."" Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell. Mrs. Smith: ""Good morning."" Salesman: ""Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."" Mrs. Smith: (Interrupting) ""No need to explain, I've been expecting you."" S…

For my cake day, a joke... Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, ""Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."" Harry says, ""My God. What's the good news?"" The doctor says, ""I'm kidding. She's dead.""

My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, until they get to a field with a single tree in the middle of it. All the bats are impatient, saying 'Harry is the blood here? Where is it, man? Harry repl…

The First Grader A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ""Harry, what's your problem?"" Harry answered, ""I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"" Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks h…

I cooked for my fiancee's parents for the first time As I handed out the rarely cooked steak Harry (her father) said, ""I like it well done."" I said, ""Thanks, that means a lot.""

Harry answers the telephone, & it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, ""Your wife was in a serious car accident, & I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms & both legs, & will need help eating & going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."" Harry says, ""My God. What's the good news?"" The doctor says, ""I'm kidding. She's dead.""

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm …

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ""I'm off. The man should be here soon"". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ""Good morning madam. I've come to......"" ""Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"" Mrs. Smith cut in. ""Really?"" the photographer asked. ""Well, goo…

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. ""So, how'd it go, Harry?"" asked Gil. ""Terrible,"" admitted Harry. ""The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never got started."" Gil tried to comfort him. ""It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now…

I swallowed my wrist watch by accident yesterday, Harry. Good heavens! Does it hurt? Only when I wind it.