Harry Jokes

One morning, Harry wakes up.. ...and goes downstairs into the kitchen. It's his birthday. It's the third day of the third month and Harry is thirty three years old. He notices that the kitchen clock has broken and stopped at 3:30am. On the radio, the weather announces that the temperature is 33 degrees. Opening the sporting section of his newspaper, he turns to page three; he sees that a horse called 'Triple Treble' is running in the 3.30. He rings up a bookmaker and puts £333 on it to win. It …

The blue gorilla. (Shaggy dog joke) The Blue Gorilla. (Warning, very long) there was once a great photographer, who prided himself on taking a picture of every animal on earth, from the most common bug, to the rarest fish . Well one day, at a big party celebrating the Photographer’s 1,000,000th picture, an old man approached the photographer. “So” he said, “You’ve photographed every animal on earth have you?” “Yep” he said “Every one”. the old man looked at him with doubt. “How about the Purp…

Cop Joke A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty …

I said this when I was 6, and everyone laughed Two twins came to our house one day, and I kept calling them the wrong names (they were their names, but I said Harry to Thomas and vice-versa) My dad came to me and said 'can't tell them apart, can ya?' 'No dad, I can't tell 'em together!' (Waits for downvotes) Edit: first page with only 7 likes, wow. Edit 2: 200 likes, thank you so much ;-;

Voldemort: Knock Knock Harry potter: Who's there? Voldemort: You know. Harry potter: You know who? Voldemort: Exactly!!!

A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The following exchange took place. The man says, "What's the problem, officer?" Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 65." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. " Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!" Wife: "Oh…

What Starts with F and ends with K A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The princ…

My wife is an angel. Bob and Harry are fishing one day.... Bob.... "How's your wife been?" Harry...."She's an angel, how about yours?" Bob...."Egh, mine is still alive."

Two guys were out fishing... Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!" To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."

Surrogate Father The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am,' he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've b…

What's the difference between a Jew and Harry Potter Warning: Offensive Harry got out of the chamber.

What Starts with F and ends with K? A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal t…

Harry Potter wakes up in hospital. "Welcome back. You've been in a coma for 8 years" says the doctor. "What happened?" asked Harry "You ran face first into a wall."

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students... The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give t…

A Man is driving down the road with his... A man is driving down the road with his wife in the passenger seat when he gets pulled over by the cops. The police officer comes up to the car and says "Sir. You were going 65 in a 55, I'm going to have to give you a ticket for that." To which the wife replies "He was going at least 70!" The man says nothing, he just shakes his head at his wife. Next, the cop says "Also, you're not wearing a seatbelt and I'm afraid I'll have to give you ticket for …

What's Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking. J.K. Rolling

Did you hear about the day when Hagrid took Harry, mashed him up, put him in a blender with ice cream and drank him? Yer a Blizzard, Harry.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students... A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to …

What's the difference between Harry Potter's best friend and his pot? Nothing, they're both cauldron.

World's Greatest Jewish Joke (according to Jerry Seinfeld) Two Gentile businessmen meet at a conference. One says, "Harry, how's business?" And Harry says, "Great!"

Harry is a golf fanatic. One night he was irate and ranting when he arrived home from the club. His wife said, “I’m leaving you, Harry. You promised me that you’d be back before noon and here it is almost nine PM. It can’t possibly take that long to play 18 holes of golf.” “Now wait” said Harry. “Let me explain. I know I promised, but I couldn’t help it. I got up at the crack of dawn and picked up Fred at 6 AM. On the way to the golf course we had a flat tire, and when I started to change it I …

A teacher asks her class for some examples of medicines they know Little Harry promptly raises his hands and says, "Tylenol! For headaches!" The teacher says, "Very good, Harry, anyone else?" Little Jenny answers from the back, "Um, Ambien, my Mom tells me it helps her sleep...?" The teacher smiles at her and says, "Good job, Jenny," then turns to her class and goes on, "Listen here children, always be careful with medicines at home, okay? Now, does anyone else have another example?" Little…

An old man spoke to his wife He said "Edna, I've witnessed a miracle! Last night when I got up to go to the bathroom, GOD turned the light on for me! And when I was finished, He turned the light off!" And his wife said, "Harry, you're pissing in the fridge again!"

Making babies The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been ex…

Harry Potter's invisibility cloak was very effective for spying on the women of Hogwarts They never saw him coming.