Harry wakes up in heaven... Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. ""What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? And who are you?"" he asked. ""This is not your bedroom,"" the man replied, ""I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."" ""WHAT? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young."" said Harry. ""If I'm dead, I want you to send me ba…

So an elderly woman thinks her husband is starting to go deaf... The woman decides to test her theory. She stands about 30 feet way and calls to her husband: "Oh Harry!" She gets no response. She then stands 20 feet away and calls out to him again: "Oh Harry!" She is surprised that he STILL doesn't hear her call so she tries again, this time from 10 feet away: "Oh Harry!" Harry exclaims: "For the 3rd time Bertha! What do you want!?"

My grandma sent the entire newspaper to me in the subject line of an email.

[family game night] Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now? Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock