Donald Trump Jokes

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Kathleen Wynn, all die and go to hell.(Ontario Joke) While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.. Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes. When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Tr…

You can't compare Tim Cook and Donald Trump It's like comparing apples to oranges.

Donald Trump decided that he doesn't want to attend intelligence briefings anymore. Coincidentally, he took notice how the Jews always have the inside scoop before anyone. So he consulted his cabinet of advisors how the Jews always were the first to know everything. And after much research by the intelligence community, the findings were very peculiar to say the least. ""Mr. President, we've found that any time a Jew greets another, they always start with a secret code: *vus machter reb yid*. Th…

A plane is about to crash, there are 4 passengers and only 3 parachutes... The first passenger, Steph Curry, says ""I am the best player in the NBA! The Warriors and my fans need me!"" and jumps out with the first pack. The second passenger, Donald Trump, says ""I am the most respected and intelligent US president in history! My country needs me!"" and jumps out with the second pack. The third passenger, the Pope, turns to the fourth passenger, a little boy, and says ""My son, I don't have many …

Donald Trump has his daily intelligence briefing. ""We're almost done, Mr. President-Elect,"" says the man conducting the briefing, ""just one more small piece of information."" ""Bring it on."" ""5 Brazilian soldiers were killed last night"" ""That certainly isn't a good thing,"" replies Trump, ""but if you don't mind, could you refresh my memory on one thing?"" ""Of course, Mr. Trump, what do you need?"" ""How many is a Brazilian?""

Donald Trump says US should let China keep seized underwater drone oops wrong sub

""How did the Russians help Donald Trump win the election?"" They made the Democrats deliver on their promises of transparency.

I don't think Santa would be able to visit USA this year! After all, Donald Trump hates them with beards!

Good news everyone. The cure for human stupidity has been invented in a convenient pill form. Unfortunately, Donald Trump refuses to take it.

A Democrat wakes up after being in a year-long coma... ...and immediately calls the doctor over to his hospital bed. ""Doctor, I need to know; who won the election? Was it Sanders? Clinton?"" The doctor shakes her head. ""Let me put it this way: there's good news and there's bad news."" ""What's the bad news?"" the Democrat asks. ""Donald Trump is the President-elect, and has appointed a climate change denier as the head of the EPA, a close friend of Vladimir Putin as Secretary of State, and a b…

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House... Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House. He asks Chinese contractors how much they would charge. They say 3 million. He asks European contractors how much they would charge. They say 7 million. He asks Ecuadorian contractors how much they would charge. They say 10 million. Trump goes back to the Chinese and asks ""why 3 million?"" The Chinese say ""1 million for the paint, 1 million for the labor, and 1 million profit."" He then goes t…

today, i learned that ""Donald Trump"" is an anagram of ""Tan Dump Lord"" ...it's like his parents knew all along

What do JFK, John Lennon and Donald Trump have in common? Nothing. But a man can dream.

One day, Donald Trump visited an elementary school, to tell the children about his success, and to show off his intelligence'. The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word tragedy', when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom. Trump decided to help the children learn the word tragedy', and asked the following question to them: ""What would be a tragedy, kids?"" A bespectacled boy nervously answers: ""If my best friend died of pneumonia, that would be a tragedy.""…

A man named John dies and goes to heaven. He arrives at the pearly gates and sees Peter. John goes up to Peter and says ""Where's God?"" Peter replies, ""The Lord has some business to do so I'm filling in for him. Do you want to take a tour of heaven?"" John says ""Sure!"" Peter and John go around heaven and see everything there is to see. John sees his childhood pet, his great-grandmother, and even says hi to Abraham Lincoln. In the final part of the tour, Peter takes John into an enormous room…

Donald Trump has been making headlines, ""Trump Taps Secretaries."" by grabbing Generals. He's come a long way from grabbing privates.

George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump were all leaving Washington D.C. and going the same direction, so they decided to take Air Force 1. Unfortunately, due to a mechanical malfunction, Air Force 1 crashed, killing all aboard. So Bush, Obama, and Trump approached the pearly gates, where God sat on his throne. ""Tell me, what do you believe in?"" God asked Mr. Bush. ""I believe in education and free trade,"" was the reply. ""Excellent. Take a seat here on my right,"" God said. ""Now tell …

Russia admitted today to hacking the DNC in an attempt to get Donald Trump elected They went on to say that they decided not to take any action, however, once they saw Hillary Clinton's campaign strategy.

Donald Trump wants the white house painted! Chinese guy quoted 3 million European guy quoted 7 million Malaysian guy quoted 10 million. Trump asked Chinese guy how did you quote? He said: 1 million for paint 1 million for labour 1 million profit. He asked European? He said : 3 million for paint 2 million for labour 2 million profit. He asked Malaysian? Malaysian said: 4 million for me 3 million for you 3 million will give it to the Chinese guy to paint.

Donald Trump goes to an elementary school to show off his intelligence and success. The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word tragedy', when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom. Trump decided to help the children learn the word tragedy', and asked the following question to them: ""What would be a tragedy, kids?"" A bespectacled boy nervously answers: ""If my best friend died of pneumonia, that would be a tragedy."" ""No, that would be a great loss,"" Trump …

If you feed Donald Trump after midnight or put him in water what will he turn into? A Kremlin.

One day, Donald Trump visited an elementary school, to tell the children about his success... One day, Donald Trump visited an elementary school, to tell the children about his success, and to show off his intelligence'. The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word tragedy', when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom. Trump decided to help the children learn the word tragedy', and asked the following question to them: ""What would be a tragedy, kids?"" A bespect…

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a piece of fruit? Oranges have thick skin

How is Donald Trump like a pumpkin? They're both orange on the outside, hollow on the inside, and should have been thrown out in early November.

I finally figured out why Donald Trump married Melania... ...she came from ***YUUUUUUUUUUUUG***oslavia. ~~(thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week)~~