David Jokes

Three Englishmen spot a Welshman alone in a pub... They say to each other ""I'm bored, let's pick a fight with him."" The first Englishman walks up to him and says ""St. David wore frilly pink knickers."" ""Interesting, I didn't know that,"" said the unfazed Welshman. Flustered by his failed attempt at angering the Welshman, the first Englishman went back to his friends. The second Englishman walks up to the Welshman and says ""St. David loved to take it in the arse."" ""Hmm, I had never heard t…

The new priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Bishop how he had done. The Bishop replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" So next Sunday the priest took the Bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he …

Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland One is holding a large cross and the other a large star of david. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the star of david but drop money in the other guy's hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty. A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the star of david and says, ""Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll…

What is your favorite Joke? I'll start with mine A young man named david had recently asked the love of his life out on a date for dinner and a movie and hopefully a little bit of fun at her place afterward. this was all well and good, despite one small issue. david had never ""been"" with a women before. To get past this dilemma, he asked his father to secretely follow the couple as the went on their date and text him with advice. The night was going smoothly, as david took her out for dinner, …

A joke from my English teacher. Some archaeologists find a cave, untouched by man for a long time. In the cave they find some typical stone age tools. But they also find some symbols on the wall. Left to Right: [A woman](http://i.imgur.com/FjvkI.jpg). [A donkey](http://i.imgur.com/5sogi.jpg). [A shovel](http://i.imgur.com/m3Pmp.jpg). [A fish](http://i.imgur.com/37u6V.jpg). [And a Star of David](http://i.imgur.com/NfLqi.png). So the archaeologists call a gathering to share their findings. The hea…

Jose Mourinhio The Special One....... David Moyes The Chosen One..... Fellipe Scholari Seven One.

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in their order of appearance: 1. a woman 2. a donkey 3. a shovel 4. a fish 5. a Star of David They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient s…

Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles. Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning. After thinking about it, David replied, ""How about if we …

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot? A. The thought had never entered his head before.

On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business. One wore a large cross on his chest and the other - a star of David. Of course most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and the other was overlooked. Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and suggested that if he take off the star of David maybe he'd get some more hand outs. ""Get this guy Chaim"" laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross wearing pal ""He's trying to teach *us* how to do busines…

I don't think this whole White House scandal is good for parents. I caught my six year old son David in a lie and he said we could discuss it tonight in a ""National Town Meeting.""

Martin asked David ""In which state does the Ohio River run?"" David answered with cool ""In the liquid state.""

Henry's son David burst into the house crying. His mother asked him what the problem was. ""Daddy and I were fishing and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then while he was reeling it in the line busted and the fish got away."" ""Now come on David"" his mother said ""a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off."" ""But that's just what I did mommy.""

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were to say the least rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird the bird got worse. If he shook the bird the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperat…

In an English class... Teacher: David, give me a sentence starting with "I." David: I is... Teacher: No, David. You must always say "I am." David: Oh right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

The Queens Riddle Barack Obama met with the Queen of Great Britain. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?" "Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a b…

It was career day in Elm Park Elementary School... and each student had to write about their dad's profession. Ruby wrote about her dad being a doctor and David wrote about his dad being a construction work. When the teacher asked Johnny he said, "My dad is a pimp and a drug fiend." "What?!?! Johnny, be honest. I know that's not what your dad does!" "You're really gonna make me to tell the entire class that my dad is a banker?!"

An Englishman & an Irishman are in the hospital laid side by side in different beds. The Englishman looks over at the Irishman and peels away his oxygen mask from his face. "I'm English..." Said the Englishman. The Irishman also takes away his mask and gasps, "Irish..." The Englishman slowly replies, "My name's David..." "Paddy..." Replies the Irishman. "Cancer..." Says the Englishman pointing to his chest. The Irishman who slowly turns his head and lifts away his oxygen mask replies, "S…

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him, the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by;He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope appro…

'Reincarnation' - My favourite joke of all time Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of them. "You have died my son, of alcohol poisoning" says St. Peter. Dave is obviously distraught and begs and pleads with the saint to be given another…

Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post) Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is Mormon. Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team." Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team." David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

An old Jewish man is on his deathbed... An old Jewish man is on his deathbed, and his family is gathered around him. He's too weak to lift his head or even open his eyes, but he can talk to his family. "Rachel, my beloved wife of fifty-seven years. The love of my life, my soulmate, the woman God created me to be with, are you here?" She replies "yes, my wonderful husband. I'm here, just like I swore I would be all those years ago at our wedding. I'm here." The old man smiles. "David, my eld…

Two beggars are sitting in the Vatican... There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street in Vatican city, one had a large cross around his neck, the other had the star of David.It was a lovely day, the sun was shinning, there were thousands of people walking past the two beggars, but everyone was giving the man with the cross around his neck money, while the man with the star of David got nothing. One morning a high priest walked by the beggars and said the the beggar with the …

The first Jewish president On his first day in office, he calls his mother. "Mom, you really have to come out to DC and check out the white house, it is amazing. Rachel and I would love to have you over.” " Out there, with all the goyim? Its too busy for me." "How's about a weekend at camp david. Its really nice and quiet, and its got a nice Jewish name." "Alright, I got to go, but I'll discuss with your father." She hangs up with her son and the ladies at her bridge table ask, "so who w…

Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding a Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but put money only into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. One day, a procession came past, and it included His Holiness The Pope. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. After a few minutes, the Po…