David Jokes

Two beggars are sitting Side by side on a street in Rome, Italy... Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Po…

Hot girl in my apartment I got this hot girl back to my apartment the other day, we ripped each others clothes off and just went at it on the floor. I had her on her back and went down when she said ""David, can you take your glasses off they're digging into my thighs?"" So I took them off and we carried on. Minutes later she called again, ""David"" she said, ""Can you put your glasses back on please?"" ""Why?"" I inquired. ""Because you're eating the carpet.""

""David, why don't you go and play with... ...with Jimmy?"" asks the mother. ""Oh mum, you wouldn't want to play with a filthy, obscene, thieving, lying boy, would you?"" ""Of course not."" says the mother, as she hugs her son. ""Well, Jimmy wouldn't either...""

There were two beggers sitting next to each other on the street in Vatican city, one had a large cross around his neck, the other had the star of David.It was a loverly day, the sun was shinning, there were thousands of people walking past the two beggers, but everyone was giving the man with the cross around his neck money, while the man with the star of david got nothing. One morning a high priest walked by the beggers and said the the begger with the star of david "" my friend, you are in Vat…

What did David do when he hand all his bones removed Nothing.

Entered a relay race with two of my friends Me and two friends of mine, Ian Sloane and David Eddie entered a relay race. We set up so I would start, Ian would go next and David would finish. So we set up, and I took my position. ""On your marks, get set, GO!"" I wasn't a great runner and the rest of the athletes just left me in the dust. I passed the baton to Ian Sloane and he took off. He was as fast as lightning and overtook all the athletes with ease. He then passed it over to David Eddie who…

Singing competition. Sam and David were good friends. Once upon a time, David entered into a singing competition. In the competition, they had to make their original songs and sing them. David penned down his song, which he titled Esfore. It was a song on a mythical woman by that name, whose affection many men pined for. The song was amazing and when David sung it before Sam, Sam was moved beyond tears. On the day of the competition, David was a nervous wreck. He said to Sam, ""Mate, I can't do …

I can remember my first day at school The teacher looked at me during register and asked, ""Are you chewing?"" I said, ""No, chewing is probably one of the foreign kids, my name is David.""

Some Jokes I Made Up * What do you call a monkey in a circus? Banana split! * David had 50 chocolate bars. He eats 40 of them. What does David have now? Diabetus. David has diabetus. * I am offended by all the German jokes on the internet. My great grandfather died, falling off a guard tower. * What's black and white and red all over? A penguin in a revolving door!

Magic Cheese ""Your blood pressure and cholesterol are too high for a 30 year old."" The Doctor said to David. ""You need to lose some weight and soon. You are sweating too much and your stool samples look a little too loose. In fact, you have the early stages of dysentery due to the terrible things you eat. I'm going to write you a prescription for cheese."" ""That's a little harsh Doc, but cheese?"" Davis said. ""Why do I need a prescription for cheese?"" ""This isn't just any cheese, it's mag…

My boyfriend is hung like a work of art. Specifically, Michaelangelo's David.

A joke I am working on. Feedback and suggestions are appreciated! Did you hear about the synagogue that had all the Stars of David and Hebrew graffiti'd over? The police are calling it an anti-Semiotic hate crime.

The Pope and the Rabbi (not the apple one) The Pope is walking down a street in London, when the heel breaks off his shoe. He looks around, and sees two shops advertising shoe repair. Looking closer, he sees a star of David on the wall in one, and a crucifix in the other. He thinks for a moment, and decides he'll go into the Jewish run shop, and do a little something for the relationship between the two faiths. They're a bit surprised when the Pope walks in, but treat him well and do a really ni…

So there I was at my favorite seafood restaurant having dinner, and I told David, my favorite waiter, that TONIGHT I wanted my fish exactly how I like my wife... ...""Battered it is, sir.""

A woman I met had 13 children all named David. When I asked her how she calls just one of them, she said, ""Oh that's easy; I just call them by their last names.""

New to reddit My friend David forgot his I.D so now we just call him dav

Mike and David are stranded in the desert... Mike and David are stranded in the desert. They've been walking for ages without food or even a sip of water. All of a sudden in the baron wasteland they find a mosque. David and mike agree that it is their best bet to go to the mosque because there'll be food and shelter. On the way to the mosque mike says ""David, let's pretend to be Muslims they'll treat us a lot better. If they ask what my name is I'm gonna say Mohammed"". David disagrees and thin…

David Cameron sends Alex Salmond a text following the Scottish vote... David: ""Hi mate just checking in, u k?""

A cattle farmer had three sons... Mark, Jakob, and David. Mark and Jakob weren't much for farm life. Mark took off at 16 for the city, and didn't come back. Jakob waited until he completed college, whenceforth he became a businessman and lawyer. David, however, stayed with his father on the farm his whole life to continue raising cattle. Eventually the farmer grew old and ill. On his death bed, he had managed to call for all his sons to come see him in the hospital. Mark wanted nothing of the fa…

Sunday Family Humour 31st August Perfect Timing Canine Humour People of the Senior Generation Words with two Meanings FORD AIRPLANES David M's Gallery Things You See Every Day In Dubai! Page 2 Home Schooling Need a Laugh These Are Great Today's History Lesson Jet Man Over Rio Auntie Acid Chalk Guy Is Back Interesting Articles and Videos 31st August Britain's 5,000 Year Old Temple in Orkney Charles Darwin Illuminati Family Member Exposed

2 Rabbis Two rabbis are walking down the street when they come to a Catholic church. The sign out front says ""Convert now and get $100!"". One rabbi turns to the other and says ""Perhaps I should consider it."" The other says ""What? Nonsense. They're probably kidding about the money anyway."" The first rabbi nonetheless goes in. His friend sits on a bench and waits for an hour. Eventually the first rabbi emerges with a cross instead of a Star of David around his neck. The 2nd rabbi asks, ""So …

The priests first week at work (long but worth it) A priest begins the first day of his new job and is extremely nervous about speaking to the congregation. While giving his sermon his anxiety gets the best of him and he freezes. All of those people hanging on his every word, and all he can do is stutter. He gives up and walks back to his office to sulk. Later that day the head priest comes in his office with a bottle of vodka and says "" when I get nervous I sip some vodka, everyone thinks it's…

On a dark and stormy night... ...a comet flies past Earth. This comet was enchanted, and after it flew past the world, it caused all statues to come to life, solely focused on destroying every country in the world. No nation was left safe from this attack. The gargoyles attacked France. The Statue of Liberty led a revolt against America. Michelangelo's David led the charge towards Italy. As the war of human versus statue waged on, a group went into the United Kingdom, led by the Venus de Milo, i…

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him, the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by;He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: ""My poor …

Golfing on the sabbath One day, a man named David decides to skip church to play golf. Up in heaven, Saint Peter sees this and reports David's sin to God. God says, ""I will punish him accordingly."" David plays a perfect game and goes home really pleased. Saint Peter sees this and goes to God and says, ""What gives? You said you would punish him, yet he gets a perfect score."" God smiles and says, ""Who can he tell?""