Mom, i'm going out -You are not going out with that mini skirt. -But why? -Because they can see your balls, David.

With Jesus now! 18+ Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven. They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, ""Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."" ""What?"" his father replied. Hope this one doesn't upset anyo…

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" Next Sunday the new priest decided to take the monsignor's advice. At the beginning, he felt nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office, he found a note on the…

Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents: Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL. Son: Why is that funny? Mom: It's not funny, David! What do you mean? Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud. Mom: I thought it meant Lots of Love. I have to call everyone back. Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry. Mom: WTF! Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means? Mom: Well That's Fantastic. ~ Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean? Son: I don't know, love you, …