David Jokes

David received a parrot for his birthday The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of des…

A new priest is nervous about mass. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1.There are 10…

Bing Crosby is sitting alone at a bar When in walks David Bowie, looking really depressed. “What’s up?” asks Bing. “I don’t know what to do” says David. “My inflatable arse has collapsed. “Oh don’t worry,” says Bing. “You can borrow my rubber bum pump”. “Your rubber bum pump”? “My rubber bum pump”.

Did you know that Michelangelo's David was one of many heroes that were sculpted for a big project? He was part of the Marble Cinematic Universe.

My friend David was recently a victim of ID theft now we just call him Dav

A Jewish son tells his father he is moving out. The son returns a year later and tells his father that he has converted to Christianity. The father is upset and calls his friend who is also Jewish. “You won’t believe this, my son David moved out for a year and came back and told me he converted to Christianity.” His friend says, “you won’t believe this...my son Benjamin moved away for a year and when he came back HE converted to Christianity too”! Both upset, they call their rabbi and explai…

A nervous young priest… is preparing for his first sermon. He goes to the elder bishop for advice, who tells him ‘Take a glass of vodka up with you, and every time you start to feel nervous, take a sip. Everyone will just think it’s water and it’ll help calm you down.’ The young priest follows the wise elders advice and delivers a truly impassioned sermon. When he gets back to his office, he finds a note from the bishop with some tips for the future. - Sip the vodka, don’t chug it. - There…

Bike There was a man whose name was David, his pride and joy was his beautiful and powerful bike. He loved it more than anything in the world. One day, he was cruising on his bike when he had a minor heart attack, and he rolled off the road and into a tree. Luckily, he had just suffered some minor injuries, but the bike was severely damaged... One fine man was traveling along the same road, and he saw this. He helped David and loaded his bike on his truck and took him to a hospital. Later they…

The Invasion of Normandy It was a tough morning on the Omaha beach, and the landing of the Allied troops was not going well. The beach was riddled with obstacles and mines, and the German gunfire was relentless. Suddenly, the Allied men notice a man emerging from the waters. “I can help you”, he declares in deep voice. “Who are you?”, a soldier asks. ”Doesn’t matter” ”Where are you from?” ”Well, I am a soldier from Portugal. But I have decided to not be neutral today. Let me handle this…

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't y…

Bad bird David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a…

"Oh no, the rubber ripped!" \- Alissa (24 years old) panics, jumps up from bed, and runs into bathroom \- Manuel (25) needs new tires for his car \-Lara (27) now has *no* pony-tail \- Ben (28) holds his covid-mask to his face in the bus \-David (29) watches his friend during bungee-jump

The Rude Parrot David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives

""It's a boy" David shouted

Our mate David had his ID stolen We've started calling him Dav

My friend David lost his id Now we just call him Dav

David was a victim of ID theft He's now known as Dav.

My friend david had his id stolen a few days ago. now we just call him dav

David was working in the garden and his back starting bothering him. He went inside and told his wife that he thought he may have done something to his spine.

My friend David had his ID stolen recently... So now we just call him Dav.

Roman Beggars Two old beggars are sitting on the steps of a church in Rome. One has a Star of David in front of him and the second has a cross.

My friend David had his ID stolen. Now he's just Dav.

My friend David just lost his ID. Now he's just Dav.

What's hit more balls that David Beckham's right foot? Elton John's chin.

David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip. He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks