Dating Jokes

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

wife: dont do anything stupid on the way out me: i wont [shakes priest's hand after lovely wedding ceremony] me: so are you god's boyfriend?

How can people get engaged after dating less than a year? You haven't seen their fall wardrobe yet and tbh it could be a deal breaker

No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don't Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.

Want to piss your girlfriend off? Text her "He's busy." and turn off your phone.

I know Tinder is gonna help me meet the right person because all it takes is a mutual like of Virgin America on Facebook.

Boyfriend and Boy friend..... See that little space between the second one? Thats called the friend zone!

[working in garage] "Hand me a screwdriver, son" A flat one? "No" [mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

Girlfriend: Have you ever been with a fat chick? Me: Nope, you're the first one. Gf: What? Me: What?

If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I'd have to pick: My girlfriend.

I'm pitching a prison dating show called 'America's Next Top Bottom'

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine] vending machine: i have a boyfriend

Cop: did you do it? Me: no Cop: you know it's truthful Tuesday right? Me: it's actually Wednesday Cop: damn it, who's your crush then

A bee just landed on my cheek and didn't sting me. I think we're dating now.

Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend? When you get fired from a job, you don't stay around and watch other people do your job.

I THINK [boyfriend goes by] YOU'RE TOO [boyfriend goes by] YOUNG FOR ME [boyfriend goes by] -me breaking up w/ my boyfriend at the carousel

I love cheese! Cheese: I have a boyfriend

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime? Girlfriend: honey he can't even commit to this relationship Entire jury: OH SNAP

While fixing my neighbors car I asked her for a screwdriver... She asked if I had orange juice. We've been dating since.

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too [reads workaholic] I work a lot as well [reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

My dating service, "It's Just Oral" is really taking off!

[Meeting girlfriend's parents] Me: Well Mrs. Ashford, I can see where Elle gets her good looks! <Mr. Ashford sulks the rest of dinner>

[dating game] GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo? G: contestant #2

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you're buying me drinks until you do.

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together