Dating Jokes

So UBER is not a dating app? *sigh* I kinda thought all those 'Goodbye' kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

[speed dating] *girl sits down* "hi im melan- QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE "wha- CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

DATING TIP: Size does matter! Tell her how big your TV is.

My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let's take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I'll get the other

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO! Except my government, boss, his wife, my girlfriend, my parents, my doctor, friends, neighbours, their dogs...

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

"No woman, no cry." - Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

I can't have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

So the Macarena turns out to be about a girl double-teaming her boyfriend's friends. Now we know the lyrics were crowd-sourced from Twitter.

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don't like like the internet.

The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want

Dating tip: Don't do it, a disturbingly high percentage of people are actually flesh eating insects in human suits. Just stay home instead.

'I have trains ran on me all the time.' - Railroads. Or my ex-girlfriend.

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend's birth control that says, "guess u don't want 2 have my babies haha."

"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can't figure out boyfriend's passwords

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I'm going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

[tsunami approaches] Me: At last I will feel oblivion's sweet embrace. Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire* "OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I want to look hot on tinder.

oh hey mom. no i'm just Skyping with my girlfriend. what do you mean am i just playing a Vine of a girl saying i love you over and over

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

[Entire house is full of trees] Girlfriend: What did you do?! Me: You told me to spruce things up. GF: Everything's stuck to everything!!!

an always fun part of dating an extremely cool girl is learning just how many of her guy friends are secretly in love with her

[argument w/girlfriend] HER: you know what your problem is? ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i'm about to find out