Dating Jokes

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

My girlfriend walked in on me again while I was eating cake frosting she'd hidden in the fridge. I hate getting caught masticating.

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I'm a gentleman. Also, to see if it's been poisoned.

I forgot Rhianna's ex-boyfriend's name...then it hit me.

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too "sassy." So I'm guessing my days are numbered.

Me: *gets in from fishing trip* Girlfriend: did you catch anything? Me: *sighs* just an old boot Girlfriend: okay, what's she called?

Your 'Chemistry' with your girlfriend is great if you remember her 'Periodic Table'.

Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell "SURPRISE YOU'RE ERIC'S GIRLFRIEND"

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn't tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you're dating an onion and not a man.

My paranoid boyfriend broke up with me. "It's not you," he said, looking around. "It's them."

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life? Me: Define "someone" Mom: You know, a boyfriend. Me: Define "boyfriend"

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad? "I don't know, how would I know?" GF: I'm pregnant! "Hi Pregnant, I'm... OH MY GOD I'M READY"

Have you guys seen that great television show, "Candy Crush Saga With The Sound From Another Television Show Playing In The Background?"

My ex's ex and my left hand are dating.

"Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?" "No Storm, we broke up. You could say she's my..." *lowers sunglasses* *eye beams obliterate Storm*

I was so angry when I found my wife's profile on a dating website. That lying bitch isn't "fun to be around".

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin* Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

When I wrote "Spiritual" on my online-dating profile, I meant I like to watch 'Ghostbusters'.

[Having a problem with my iPhone] Me: *texting myself* Test Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

*visits new girlfriend's house for 1st time* "Make yourself at home" Great. Thanks! *I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant

[speed dating] ME: I like your hair HER: OK ME: And your teeth are so smiley HER: You know this is a job interview, right? ME: *rings bell*

My girlfriend told me she's "spotting" and I'm like yeah right for who? You can't even bench 50 Lbs lol