Dating Jokes

*goes through crush's phone when he dies* *gets out ouija board* "who is Emma"

Hello! Is it me you're looking for? Hello! Is it me you're looking for? Hello! Is it me you're looking for? (Lionel Richie, speed dating)

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I'd never see her

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust] "Did u just propose using emojis?" ... "Technically its called a propoji, but yes" [She's already gone]

"Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don't know...bookish?" She has a name you know! "What is it?" ...Paige.

[arguing w girlfriend] Her: I feel like we have communication problems. Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

have u ever tried to break a crush by looking at their Facebook like PLEASE post abt Mumford & sons or smth so I can be free from this curse

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stras Innjrden he opens a Fonstrvivig

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge "this isn't working, you take everything too literally". She'll be so happy when she sees the new one.

Started as a twitter crush, moved on to twitter boyfriend, now he's my twitter husband. Honeymooning on Google+ so we can be alone.

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don't use your girlfriend's urine for testing.

Gonna start a matchmaking site for very old people called Carbon Dating

Lone girl at the table: "I like giving BJs but my boyfriend doesn't like getting them" 5 guys in perfect unison: "You're not doing it right"

Speed dating, but instead of talking, you just exchange phones for 3 minutes and try to glean as much information from them as you can.

Told my girlfriend she should scream out 'my god you're huge'!! at her gynaecologist appointment to freak out the others in the waiting room

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was "be right out,I'm taking a shit"

I had a boyfriend once....right up until the moment my dad asked him "so what do you do?" and he replied your daughter. He's Dead.

boyfriend jeans are over. in 2017 its all about wearing your boyfriend's dog's jeans

When I finally break up with my boyfriend I'm just going to yell "UNFOLLOW" and then walk away.

"Here, drink this." - Me speed dating.

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your " boyfriend" and she dial's up Domino's pizza

Nice eyebrows girlfriend. I didn't know they made Sharpies in that color.

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women: 1) Me 2) My Best Friend

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems... Well, you've always got my number. Me: Yes, is it still 666?

*Lady gives balloon to my son* ME: What do u say? SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing SON: Oh. Thank you