Dating Jokes

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

If your boyfriend is ever about to break up with you, yell "what about the baby!" You'll be in a relationship for at least another 5 minutes

[Girl over my house] "My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?" [Unclipping my harmonica holder] Def not.

They say the camera adds ten pounds so my girlfriend only needs to lose about four or five cameras before bikini season.

Boyfriend calls me Gluteal Myalgia because he thinks I'm too dumb to understand what it means. Let's see how he likes the name Microphallus

It's not that I'm a bad boyfriend. I'm just a horrible person.

I stand right next to the "God Hates Fags" guy with a sign that says "Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend"

Instead of murder/suicide, I'm contemplating the rare suicide/murder, whereby I jump out a high window and land on my girlfriend.

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, "Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend" on it. I'm so torn right now

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat! -Don't you mean pig? No. He tried to eat my couch!

Son: can I get lunch money Dad: I have a boyfriend

here's my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you're welcome

OMG. My wife's boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

If TV has taught us anything, it's not to get on a boat with a man we have just started dating, for it is there that he will murder us

Tripler's Dating Tips 20/50: hide a tape recorder in your pocket with a laugh track on it and press play after every single thing you say

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend's band's show.

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter's little "boyfriend" needs to know about me is I ain't afraid to go back to prison.

"I just dumped my girlfriend lol" - a cannibal after taking a shit.

"I need a boyfriend" No, you WANT a boyfriend. You NEED water, cause you sound thirsty.

I hate it when I get my days mixed up and I accidentally take my stupid wife out instead of my girlfriend.

[speed dating] Me: Periods. Her: Huh? Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside? Her: In the US or the UK? Me: Let's get married.

Of course you don't know 'our song.' You didn't know we were even dating, silly. Or that the girl you had lunch with is in my trunk.

[sees crush] Oh you're going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"