Dating Jokes

When your girlfriend is PMS'ing, cheer her up by showing her that "totally weird" text you got from your ex last night.

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it's girlfriend tells it to do.

I'll do your taxes for free if you tell my mom we're dating.

People that say "God never gives you more than you can handle" never met my ex-girlfriend.

I met this amazing girl while speed dating. We stayed up all night and day just talking and giggling and I guess speed will do that to you.

Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone. Available at all times. Unless his wife's around.

My ex-girlfriend once said "It's either me or Twitter." I wonder how she's doing.

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates : 1. Nice shirt 2. Wow, a second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.

Sometimes I'm depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it's like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

Girlfriend: "babe it's hot I need a fan" [Boyfriend starts taking pictures with her and BEGGING for autographs]

What's that thing called when your crush likes you back? Oh yeah. Imagination.

Me: *pouts at front facing camera* Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher? Me: Yup *girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*

me: can i have a coke waiter: is Pepsi ok? me: ya pepsi's fine pepsi: i have a boyfriend

I want a girlfriend with OCD, that way whenever I want to go home I can just say "Are you sure you checked the stove before we left?"

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer...

A sentence and depression What does a ""sentence"" and ""two months of depression hoping that you didn't get your girlfriend pregnant have in common""? They both end in periods

This this old couple in the old-folks home... ...had been dating for a long time and finally got married. They go back to his room and have their wedding night romancing. Afterwards he looks at her and says ""Boy oh boy - If I had known you were a virgin I would have done this a long time ago"". To which she replied ""Shit, if I thought you'd be able to keep it up I'd have taken off my pantyhose""

A guy calls his girlfriend on the phone.. - Boyfriend: Sweetie, do you know how much I love you? - Girlfriend: How much baby? - Boyfriend: I would go thru fire, swim in the ocean full of sharks, climb all the mountains, survive in the desert like Bear Grylls, fight with bears and lions, even fight with Chuck Norris and all of the expendables cast if I have to, just to see your beautiful smile.. - Girlfriend: Aawww, you're so sweet! Why don't you come over? - Boyfriend: How about tomorrow baby, i…

Pierre the French fighter pilot Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: ""Pierre, kiss me"". So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. ""What are you doing, Pierre?"" shrieks Marie. ""Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"" His answer is good enou…

I've started dating this girl with a small handicap. She's the greatest! She's smart, funny, beautiful in her own special way and so loving it eaves me at a lack of words. She has a small issue, after a car crash, she suffered some brain damage and has no short-term memory. It's kind of like that movie ""memento"", you might have seen it. We'll have a lovely day together, cheer, laugh, have fun, but she wont remember a thing in the morning. We have our burdens, but I wouldn't leave her for anyth…

A Christian boy, about 15, is sitting on the couch with his girlfriend... ...after about a half hour of just holding hands the girl takes his hand and starts moving it up her thigh underneath her skirt. ""I can't."" He says. ""Why not? Don't you want me?"" She whispers. ""My mom says that girls have teeth...ya know...down there and they'll bite my pecker off if we do it before marriage."" Says the boy. ""That's nonsense, we don't have teeth down there!"" She protests. ""My mom wouldn't lie to me…

I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years... .... so her dad was very surprised when I proposed. He had no idea I was gay.

mad gf How do you know when your girlfriend is mad at you? She leaves the string in the Bloody Mary