Dating Jokes

My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren't drying I swear to god...

You had me at 'I've had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend'

I would absolutely slay the dating game if looks and personality didn't matter

*has no girlfriend or kids* *gives out dating and parenting advice*

girlfriend: we need to talk me: ok what's up girlfriend: I'm pregnant me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT'S MY FAULT TOO

Ladies: Is your boyfriend the strong, silent type? Is he carved out of wood? Ladies, you may be dating a garden gnome.

I'm in so much trouble. My twitter crush found out about my boyfriend and now they're both on their way to tell my husbands.

"open up, this is the police!" "well, I've felt alone since my girlfriend left me, I'm sad all the time-" "no the door open up the door"

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

Niggas be like I want a girl that rocks Jordan's, plays video games, and watches sports with me" wtf? You want a boyfriend nigga

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend* WILL YOU MARRY ME *2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later* HELL NO

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology... She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites

Ugh my boyfriend's all "Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos" and "Stop snap-chatting my Mom" and "Stop calling me your boyfriend"

When I'm out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying "Don't make eye contact with daddy."

*Feels the chill* Chill: I have a boyfriend

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I'll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

Dear diary, My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him. Apparently Meth wasn't what he expected. Dating is bull shit

Him: drink? Me: I have a boyfriend Him: I have a goldfish Me: What??? Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don't matter

*walking with my girlfriend on a beach* *i get down on one knee* "will you ma..." *a dog walks past & farts so loud it drowns out my voice*

me: honey, I'm home! [shuts door] girlfriend: (from bedroom) oh yeah harder me: if you say so [slams door]

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

My new boyfriend says the cutest things, like "Who are you?" and "Why are you hiding outside my house?" and "My wife is calling the police."

Women, don't tell us about your boyfriend. He's a guy. We know what he's like.

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.