Dating Jokes

Three ladies meet up for a drink once a week. The first lady says: ""The other night, when my boyfriend got in from work, I surprised him. I was standing in the hallway, wearing these tall leather boots, a corset, long black silk gloves, and lots of makeup. I looked him in the eye and said 'Hello there, big boy.' He grabbed me, flung me to the floor and we made love right there and then and it was AMAZING."" Next week they meet up again. The second lady says to the first one: ""I took a tip from…

So my girlfriend's sign was Cancer. which is quite ironic considering how she died. She was attacked by a giant crab...

""My girlfriend? You wouldn't know her. She's a bit underground."" ...said the hipster necrophiliac.

It's a bitch After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, …

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. -Tim Vine

The widow A older woman's husband died and she is sitting at the kitchen table letting his ashes sift through her fingers. Harry, do you remember the jewelry I always wanted but you would never buy? See my diamond necklace and matching bracelet? I have them now. Thank you. Remember the furs you did not want to spend the money for? This is my mink and I have a sable upstairs. I have them now. Thank you. How about the vacations we could never afford? I leave today for The French Rivera with my 22 …

My Jewish girlfriend left me for a black man. Nigga stole my kike.

After a few rounds of passionate love-making, exhausted and spent, my girlfriend started complaining that her useless kid is wasting too much time on the internet, and wants me to get involved. Now get off reddit and do some work for once.

Blonde Cookbook! MONDAY: The recipe for today is angel food cake. You have to beat 12 eggs separately, so I'm lucky the neighbors had some extra bowls to let me borrow. TUESDAY: Fruit salad supper, serve without dressing. I didn't get dressed at all, as per recipe, and what a surprise when my boyfriend brought his friends home for supper. WEDNESDAY: Rice pilaf, wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. I took a good bath and washed very thoroughly, even between my toes. The taste of the rice was…

One of my favorites A little boy and his mother are in a department store shopping one afternoon. The mother decides to try some clothes on and tells her son to wait outside the changing room for her. A few minutes later she walks out to find her son has his hand up the dress of a mannequin in the store. She quickly rushes over and slaps her sons hand exclaiming ""don't ever stick your hand up a girls dress!"" The boy seems confused and asks why. His mother explains that ""girls have teeth up th…

Blonde Breakfast Dilemma A man watches as his blonde girlfriend comes downstairs to make breakfast. At first she attempts to lift the stove, struggles, and sighs. Next she tries lifting the microwave, again to no avail. Finally she lifts the toaster and smiles, makes toast and eats her breakfast. This goes on for a couple of days before her boyfriend finally asks what in the world is going on. The blonde replies, ""My new medication doesn't allow me to operate heavy machinery and the toaster is …

Three women walk into a doctors office... (x-post from r/funny) ...So the doctor calls in the first one in for her exam. she takes off her shirt and has a big H tattooed on her chest. The doctor asks why there is an H on her chest to which she says: ""My husband went to Harvard and he likes to see the H when we do it."" The doctor finishes his exam and sends her on her way. The doctor calls the second one in. When she takes off her shirt, the doctor notices a big Y on her chest. When the doctor …

I don't have a girlfriend.. I just know someone that would be really mad if they ever heard me say that

My girlfriend is like an Australian Olympian She always comes second.

Please settle an argument regarding this joke: why is it funny? >What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? >30 pounds. This joke has been the source of debate among my peers. I know I'm right, but I need evidence/validation. Why is this joke funny? What is the punch line implying? ---- EDIT: Thanks for the responses. There were two interpretations of the joke - A) Women gain weight after they get married. B) Men have wives and mistresses simultaneously and the mistress is les…

Weekend An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, ""No, I'd like to see something more special."" At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ""Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes s…

What did Helen Keller's friend say to her? (offensive) You should try blind dating.

The simple rules of dating A farmer, Bill, finds out that his three daughters all have dates on the same night. Being protective, as a father is of his girls, he does the respectable thing, and walks to the door each time with his shotgun. At 7pm, the doorbell rings. Bill answers the door and asks the boy there what he wants. The boy nervously says ""Hello sir, I'm Eddie. I've come to get Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?"" Bill decides this boy has good intentions and lets Bet…

A man is dating 3 woman (x-post funny) A MAN IS DATING THREE WOMEN A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money. The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she l…

I hate when black people mistakenly think I'm racist Today, a black guy was holding hands with his white girlfriend in the airport and got upset because he caught me looking at him suspiciously. I wish I could explain to him that I was only trying to figure out if he was in the NBA or not.

Relationships are a progression of 4 rings. First is the ""Friendship"" ring, when dating is exclusive, but there's no more commitment Second is the Engagement ring, when two people are so in love that they want to get married. Third is the Wedding ring, worn when two people make a life-long commitment to each other during a ceremory attended by their friends. Fourth and finally - is the Suffering. Starts about a year after Step 3.

I think my girlfriend has had 61 lovers before me... Because she calls me her sixty second lover

Sister in law A Groom's Tale I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it …

A man is shopping when he notices a hot blond girl is staring at him After a while he asks her: ""I'm sorry, but do we know each other?"". She replies: ""Yeah, I think you are the father of one of my children."" The man knows very well he only cheated once and clearly remembers everything that happened so lowers his voice: ""Ah, then you must be the call-girl from my bachelor party that I was banging on the snooker table while your girlfriend was spanking my ass with the bullwhip."" The girl rep…

After 3 failed marriages, an old woman decides to try an online dating site.. She sets up an account with all her info and says she is looking for ""a man who will not beat me, Will not walk all over me, and is great in bed."" After 2 weeks no one has replied. Then, one day some one rings the doorbell. The woman gets up and opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs sitting there. He says ""Hello, I'm here about your online dating profile."" the woman says to him, ""well I want a man w…