Dating Jokes

Me:She's better than me. BF:She's not. M:Look at those, they're incredible! BF: M:STOP STARING! -Boyfriend reading other women's tweets

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

CNN admits to dating Fox News.

Girlfriend: Ok you hang up :-) Boyfriend: No You hang up first :-) Girlfriend: no you first Boyfriend: No you first NSA: both of you hang up

My boyfriend doesn't believe in labels, which is probably why he drank all that bleach

One man's girlfriend is another man's Twitter password.

"Nice legs" *Swipes right* "Nice legs" *Swipes right* "Nice legs" *Swipes right* "Nice legs" *Swipes right* - Spider tinder

My boyfriend said we could only get one cat. So I'm only getting one cat. One pregnant cat.

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can't do that.

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

Bring an urn speed dating. Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, "I don't know, Mom: should I tell him?"

My girlfriend is in Mexico for vacation and if she has a Juan night stand while she's down there, her and I are totally done.

Me: *crawls in window* Him: What are you doing?! Me: You're my boyfriend now? Him: I'm calling the cops Me: But you retweeted me??

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom's boyfriend Craig won't let me call him Dad when we hug?

*tries to mount a horse* Horse: "I have a boyfriend."

[Deathbed Confession] I wish I'd listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.

"What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift

Probably my worst birthday was my 9th because my mom was in jail & her boyfriend TJ made me a pinata filled with maggots & hair.

"Honey, can you bring me a roll of toilet paper?" Toilet paper- "I have a boyfriend"

When your girlfriend says "I love you" reply with "I love you more!" Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast] Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

Coworker: Are you seeing anyone? Me: Unfortunately. CW: Then why are you dating her? Me: No, I meant you're standing in front of me.

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure* GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL. "Your crush" has added you to list "Friend Zone".