[NSFW] Next time you're constipated, just watch Fox News or CNN. They bother the shit out of everyone.

Her: What brings you to speed dating? Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE'S DINNER SHE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

"No mom I DON'T HAVE a boyfriend!" -lie you tell at 18. "No mom I HAVE a boyfriend!" -lie you tell at 28.