Dating Jokes

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you're too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they've probably had diarrhea at some point

Me: who's a good dog? who's a good dog? Dog: i have a boyfriend

My girlfriend talks to her dog like it's going to talk back. Kind of like when Christians talk to God.

If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys, I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.

One reason my boyfriend likes The Big Bang Theory so much is that he says the title always reminds him of when we f**k.

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids. Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he'd brought home a girlfriend.

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

Guys, leave 3 notes scattered around ur house for ur girlfriend that say "Will", "you", & "me." That'll keep her busy while u watch sports.

*Speed Dating* Me: What'd you have for lunch? Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit... Me: NEXT!!

I asked my boyfriend "How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?"

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her "insurance would call" me. Someones still carrying a torch!

I asked my Ouija board when I was going to get a girlfriend and it spelled out HAHAHAHAHA until it caught fire.

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can't smell their breath.

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He's so weird.

My girlfriend accused me of sleeping with her sister and I was like, "How can that be possible when her snoring keeps me up all night?"

"Is my butt is too big?" my girlfriend asked, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Sensing a trap, I fell to the ground and played dead.

[ENEM] Complete: Hey ________ a) Jude b) I just met you c) There Delilah d) Soul sister e) Hey, you you, I don't like your girlfriend

I'm not saying I've got a girl crush on you, I'm just saying lesbiadorable together.

Someone should tell Pam at work that no one wants to hear how cool her boyfriend is unless she's dating a helicopter.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. ~What is your sin, child? My husband and I are arguing ~That's very common. ...about my boyfriend.

I eat the free samples at Costco for lunch every day. I'm adding 'enjoys eating out' to my dating profile.

Her: Dude, back off. You're totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym. Me: You do realize I'm your boyfriend right?

I've been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she "can't survive on dry land."