Dating Jokes

I can't wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don't have a boyfriend "because I'm such a pretty girl". I'm a psycho, grandma.

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose? WRONG. Neither. Don't ever take my candy.

*Goes into fabric store looking for girlfriend material*

"Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail"

*Takes ex girlfriend's poem on Antiques Road Show* Sir these are worthless *Winks at camera* Told you Karen!

[speed dating] I enjoy gardening. I've got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

"Ma'am, you had twins. They are fine and your boyfriend Chad named them" - Oh no "This is Debra" - aww I like that "And this is Depanties"

*Hits Rock Bottom* Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

"No, I'm fine." - an angry girlfriend being attacked by lions

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like "make a left in 300 feet" and "you've reached your destination."

My girlfriend feels she needs 72 half-empty bottles of stuff in her shower & if I even look at them, they all throw themselves on the floor

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man's twitter crush. -Emojenesis 8:15

[speed dating] her: I really want to have a child some day. What about you? me: define "child"

It's late and I'm wondering what my high school girlfriend is doing now. I'd call her but I know she has a big algebra test tomorrow.

If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them, then a little past them and avoid them altogether it's probably not worth it.

"I enjoy long walks on the bitch." -a flea's online dating profile

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don't know how much she charges him though

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called "Asian."

Being a single man has to be depressing when you think that even a guy like Hitler had a girlfriend.

I'm a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

My teeth are so white I could use them to help land a plane and still no boyfriend. I'm beginning to think TV ads lie.

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I'm left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that's cheating?

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.