Dating Jokes

The only time a man has ever asked me "do you have a sister?" was just to make sure he avoided dating her too.

I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.

[my dad and my 3 yr old daughter] Him: Hey sweetie how've you been? Her: I have a boyfriend Me: lmao *my daughter and I high five*

Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can't help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.

Dating Tip: Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

Accidentally shoved a girl I didn't like to the left in the grocery store thinking I was on Tinder.

[in the woods] Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap* Deer: I have a boyfriend

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you've clearly never lost close to 500 GB's worth of data on your hard drive.

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren't getting along.

I don't friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we're dating.

My boyfriend has the body of a god! Or the body of God. Okay, he's like the body of Christ. What I mean is, he's a round white cracker.

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend. Step 2) Text "Medusa's excited to meet you." Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

This guy at speed dating asked if I have any weird tattoos I was like lol not if you love The Golden Girls.

I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's gran. She's an animal in bed.

On dating sites, some of the options for 'body type' should be, 'Vending machine', 'deformed walrus' and 'pudding in garbage bag'.

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don't like them

[making out] ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand* GIRLFRIEND: omg really? ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

I just found out that there's a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

All these fireworks and still my girlfriend has the shortest fuse.

Buzzfeed: 9 Ways to Know You're Dating a Real Woman and Not a Burrito

DATING TIP: Play hard to get. Train to be an astronaut. Fly into space and leave Earth behind. Then text your crush and be like "what's up?"

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER: 1) get her home by 11 p.m. 2) so we can chill 3) i have mario party 4) be my friend